Today on Thanksgiving I am thankful for alot of things. Its been a long and rough year, and i know that God has gotten me through it. Without Him, i dont know where id be. Its been a long and rough year, and with the help of friends, family, my husband and mostly God, i have gotten through it.
today i am thankful for:
*My life and my salvation. That God sent His only son to die on the cross for our sins.
* My husband. he is the greatest and has been there for me sooo much over the past 8 years that we have been together (married for 3 and 1/2)
* My family, they are a great source of strength for me :)
* My friends, they have been there alot and listened to me complain over and over again.
* that God has given drs the ability to assist in healing and the knowledge to know what to do.
*my church and the youth that go there
* my house, that i have shelter and a place to lay my head a night
* my car, that im able to get around
*and lastly, my job. i love those babies so much and would do anything for them :)
have a happy Thanksgiving and dont forget to be thankful this year :)
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
2 and 1/2 years.....
On Dec 24, 2009 it will be 2 1/2 years since Travis & I have been trying to have a baby. For the past 2 and 1/2 years.. this is what i got out of it...
*June 2007 tried on our own.
*July 2007/Aug 2007 went to Dr Webb at watauga womens center for possible pg. pg test was positive, but ultrasound showed empty sac. chemical pg. Tests were ran. 3 hr glucose was done and pcos panel was also done. Ultrasound to confirm PCOS.
*Sept 2007 My first cycle on metformin. 1000mg
*Oct 2007 I actually ovulated on just metformin alone.
*December 2007 brought my first month of clomid 50mg. nothing happend on that cycle. *Feb 2008 was my 2nd month of Clomid-100mg, nothing.
*April 2008 was my 3rd month on Clomid-150mg, nothing.
*June 2008 was my first month with the dr at CARS in Johnson City, TN. i started on Femara 7.5mg that month, ovulated with 2 follicles, 17mm and 19mm but no pg
*July 2008 2nd month on femera with CARS. 7.5mg 2 follicles, 27mm and 28mm, no pg. hcg trigger shot
*Aug 2008. 3rd month on femera with CARS. 7.5mg 3 follicles, 2-23mm and 1-19mm, no pg. hcg trigger shot
*Sept, Oct, Nov and Dec 2008 were break cycles
* Jan 2009 rest cycle
* Jan 27, 2009. HSG done at Wat Medical by Dr webb. Possible right tube blockage
* Feb 9, 2009 started at Lyndhurst in winston.
* March 2009 4th month on femara. Lyndhurst 2 follicles, 35mm and 24mm, hcg trigger shot. no pg.
* April 2009/May 2009 5th month on femera at Lyndhurst. 2 follicles, 20mm and 30mm. hcg trigger shot. Post coital test twice-both times failed. no pg
* May 2009/June 2009 6th month on femera at Lyndhurst. 2 follicles, 21mm and 19mm. hcg trigger shot. IUI on June 5, 2009 at 9:15 am. no pg
* June 2009/ July 2009. 7th month on femera at Lyndhurst. 2 follicles, 19mm and 14mm. hcg trigger shot, IUI on July 4 at 10:15am. no pg
* July/Aug 2009: July 27, 2009 Lap consult with Dr Parker.
* Aug 6, 2009. LAP surgery at 7am at Forsyth Medical. 1 hr procedure. outpatient. removed slight endo off of uterus/ovaries. both tubes are completly open :)
* Sept 2009/ October 2009: 8th month on femera. No dr apointments just timed intercouse. ovulation, but no pg.
* Oct 2009/ November 2009: 9th month on femera. No dr. timed intercourse, ovulation, no pg.
* November 2009/ December 2009: 10th month on femera. No dr apointments. timed intercourse...
In Jan 2010 i will start going back to see Dr Parker. I have another round of doing the femera on our own. we will see what happens then :)
I need to also add that i have gotten strength, friendships, stronger and closer relationship with God and a much better one w/ Travis. Yes, I have also had grief, heartaches, tears, anger, craziness and much much sadness. But i need to look back on what has happend and realise, this is ALL making me a much much better person. I will become a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, and person all because of this experience. We arent done yet, and i know that God has a good and perfect will for our life!!! :)
*June 2007 tried on our own.
*July 2007/Aug 2007 went to Dr Webb at watauga womens center for possible pg. pg test was positive, but ultrasound showed empty sac. chemical pg. Tests were ran. 3 hr glucose was done and pcos panel was also done. Ultrasound to confirm PCOS.
*Sept 2007 My first cycle on metformin. 1000mg
*Oct 2007 I actually ovulated on just metformin alone.
*December 2007 brought my first month of clomid 50mg. nothing happend on that cycle. *Feb 2008 was my 2nd month of Clomid-100mg, nothing.
*April 2008 was my 3rd month on Clomid-150mg, nothing.
*June 2008 was my first month with the dr at CARS in Johnson City, TN. i started on Femara 7.5mg that month, ovulated with 2 follicles, 17mm and 19mm but no pg
*July 2008 2nd month on femera with CARS. 7.5mg 2 follicles, 27mm and 28mm, no pg. hcg trigger shot
*Aug 2008. 3rd month on femera with CARS. 7.5mg 3 follicles, 2-23mm and 1-19mm, no pg. hcg trigger shot
*Sept, Oct, Nov and Dec 2008 were break cycles
* Jan 2009 rest cycle
* Jan 27, 2009. HSG done at Wat Medical by Dr webb. Possible right tube blockage
* Feb 9, 2009 started at Lyndhurst in winston.
* March 2009 4th month on femara. Lyndhurst 2 follicles, 35mm and 24mm, hcg trigger shot. no pg.
* April 2009/May 2009 5th month on femera at Lyndhurst. 2 follicles, 20mm and 30mm. hcg trigger shot. Post coital test twice-both times failed. no pg
* May 2009/June 2009 6th month on femera at Lyndhurst. 2 follicles, 21mm and 19mm. hcg trigger shot. IUI on June 5, 2009 at 9:15 am. no pg
* June 2009/ July 2009. 7th month on femera at Lyndhurst. 2 follicles, 19mm and 14mm. hcg trigger shot, IUI on July 4 at 10:15am. no pg
* July/Aug 2009: July 27, 2009 Lap consult with Dr Parker.
* Aug 6, 2009. LAP surgery at 7am at Forsyth Medical. 1 hr procedure. outpatient. removed slight endo off of uterus/ovaries. both tubes are completly open :)
* Sept 2009/ October 2009: 8th month on femera. No dr apointments just timed intercouse. ovulation, but no pg.
* Oct 2009/ November 2009: 9th month on femera. No dr. timed intercourse, ovulation, no pg.
* November 2009/ December 2009: 10th month on femera. No dr apointments. timed intercourse...
In Jan 2010 i will start going back to see Dr Parker. I have another round of doing the femera on our own. we will see what happens then :)
I need to also add that i have gotten strength, friendships, stronger and closer relationship with God and a much better one w/ Travis. Yes, I have also had grief, heartaches, tears, anger, craziness and much much sadness. But i need to look back on what has happend and realise, this is ALL making me a much much better person. I will become a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, and person all because of this experience. We arent done yet, and i know that God has a good and perfect will for our life!!! :)
Monday, November 16, 2009
For this child I have prayed......
For this child I prayed...
1 Samuel 1:27
As women who face the daily struggle of infertility, there is no doubt the pages of our Bibles recording chapters one and two of 1 Samuel are dog-eared. We loved to read and reread the story of Hannah as she wept and prayed in the temple, crying out to God for a baby, just as we do today. We relate to her frustration, we can almost literally feel her pain and taste her salty tears. How many times have we all sat down in the dusty floor of the temple next to Hannah and wept along with her? It’s just so good to be understood by someone else who knows what it feels like to want a baby so badly, even if that understanding sister lived thousands of years ago!
Oh, how I wish there were video cameras in Hannah’s day! As much I love to read Hannah’s words, I would really love to hear her tell her story. Wouldn’t you? I’d love to hear her make her petitions to the Almighty. I’d love to see her face when she told Eli the priest that she wasn’t drunk, but heartbroken instead. Most of all, I’d want to eavesdrop when she brought her God-sent son back to the same priest and dedicated him to the Lord. I’d ask you to watch that particular video today. Then I’d ask you to watch it again and again. And again.
I’d ask you to back the video up to 1 Samuel 1:27 when Hannah held her precious baby boy in her arms and looked at the priest, Eli, and said “For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted what I asked of Him...” And then I’d ask you to back it up and watch it again. And again. “For this child I prayed...” Back it up. “For this child I prayed...” Turn the volume up. “For this child I prayed...” I can’t help but believe if we could hear Hannah’s voice when she said these words, we might just hear her put her passionate emphasis on the word this. “For THIS child I prayed...”
The waiting in hard. You just want a baby. You don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl, or if it’s born at the perfect time of year. You just want a healthy baby. You cry out to God with everything in you to let this month be the month. “God, please! I can’t wait another month! I’ll go crazy! Please let me get pregnant this time!” Just one baby! That’s all you ask for! But please, let it be now! Anybody who has ever gone through infertility would absolutely understand.
But listen to Hannah. “For this child I prayed.” What she didn’t realize all those years as she was weeping and crying out to God for a baby was that every single tear and every single prayer was a prayer for Samuel. Every single tear was a tear shed for Samuel. Every single prayer was a prayer prayed for Samuel. For this child I prayed. Can you imagine the first time she saw his face? It must have all come together in an instant! “Oh, I understand! It was for this child I prayed and waited! Not another! But for this child! So worth it. He was so worth it!”
If Hannah had conceived when she first desired a child, that child would not have been Samuel. There’s no way she could have realized the specific child she was praying for, but God knew. God knows your life and your future just as specifically. All the months that have passed with negative pregnancy tests are not failures. Were Hannah’s months and years without pregnancies failures? Her story resulted in Samuel! If she had conceived even one month earlier than she did, Samuel could not have been conceived and history would have been changed. “For this child I prayed...”
I believe God has a purpose and a plan for your infertility. I believe there is a reason for every single month, every single week, every single day and every single negative pregnancy test you must endure. (Jeremiah 29:11) Keep praying. Keep asking God for children. It is our prayer that one day, just as you have wept with Hannah, you will join with her in saying, “For this child I prayed and God has granted what I asked of Him.”
1 Samuel 1:27
As women who face the daily struggle of infertility, there is no doubt the pages of our Bibles recording chapters one and two of 1 Samuel are dog-eared. We loved to read and reread the story of Hannah as she wept and prayed in the temple, crying out to God for a baby, just as we do today. We relate to her frustration, we can almost literally feel her pain and taste her salty tears. How many times have we all sat down in the dusty floor of the temple next to Hannah and wept along with her? It’s just so good to be understood by someone else who knows what it feels like to want a baby so badly, even if that understanding sister lived thousands of years ago!
Oh, how I wish there were video cameras in Hannah’s day! As much I love to read Hannah’s words, I would really love to hear her tell her story. Wouldn’t you? I’d love to hear her make her petitions to the Almighty. I’d love to see her face when she told Eli the priest that she wasn’t drunk, but heartbroken instead. Most of all, I’d want to eavesdrop when she brought her God-sent son back to the same priest and dedicated him to the Lord. I’d ask you to watch that particular video today. Then I’d ask you to watch it again and again. And again.
I’d ask you to back the video up to 1 Samuel 1:27 when Hannah held her precious baby boy in her arms and looked at the priest, Eli, and said “For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted what I asked of Him...” And then I’d ask you to back it up and watch it again. And again. “For this child I prayed...” Back it up. “For this child I prayed...” Turn the volume up. “For this child I prayed...” I can’t help but believe if we could hear Hannah’s voice when she said these words, we might just hear her put her passionate emphasis on the word this. “For THIS child I prayed...”
The waiting in hard. You just want a baby. You don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl, or if it’s born at the perfect time of year. You just want a healthy baby. You cry out to God with everything in you to let this month be the month. “God, please! I can’t wait another month! I’ll go crazy! Please let me get pregnant this time!” Just one baby! That’s all you ask for! But please, let it be now! Anybody who has ever gone through infertility would absolutely understand.
But listen to Hannah. “For this child I prayed.” What she didn’t realize all those years as she was weeping and crying out to God for a baby was that every single tear and every single prayer was a prayer for Samuel. Every single tear was a tear shed for Samuel. Every single prayer was a prayer prayed for Samuel. For this child I prayed. Can you imagine the first time she saw his face? It must have all come together in an instant! “Oh, I understand! It was for this child I prayed and waited! Not another! But for this child! So worth it. He was so worth it!”
If Hannah had conceived when she first desired a child, that child would not have been Samuel. There’s no way she could have realized the specific child she was praying for, but God knew. God knows your life and your future just as specifically. All the months that have passed with negative pregnancy tests are not failures. Were Hannah’s months and years without pregnancies failures? Her story resulted in Samuel! If she had conceived even one month earlier than she did, Samuel could not have been conceived and history would have been changed. “For this child I prayed...”
I believe God has a purpose and a plan for your infertility. I believe there is a reason for every single month, every single week, every single day and every single negative pregnancy test you must endure. (Jeremiah 29:11) Keep praying. Keep asking God for children. It is our prayer that one day, just as you have wept with Hannah, you will join with her in saying, “For this child I prayed and God has granted what I asked of Him.”
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Waiting.. and waiting.. and waiting.
As you all know, none of the IUI's worked, so I had LAP surgery done in Aug (i think-lol) We have been just taking Femera and trying on our own until Jan. I think that this is good for us, to take a step back and examine things before moving on. We will do 3 consecutive IUI's (Jan, Feb and March) God-willing one of those will work. If not, we will talk to the dr about what is next and then maybe pursue other options. We will look into getting into an IVF study (probably for over the summer when its easier for Travis & I both to get off of work) if we dont get into one of those, we will just try on our own, or see what Dr Parker has to say. Who knows, i may need another opinion or somthing. Im really hoping and praying that God answers our prayers soon , but ultimatly, its in His time-not ours. We just need to keep our focus on the goal and know that this is ALL worth it in the end :)
We have been still thinking about foster care/adoption but finances are a big thing right now, and we have lack of. We will probably persue foster care once Trav is done with school in Dec 2010, but for now, its hard with his class schedule (and mine) I will still be going back to school in spring and in the fall i will attemp to do online courses for my B-K degree. Fun stuff. lol.
As for us, we are just enjoying the time with eachother and trying to get things ready around the house. We have alot of work that needs to be done, but with no money-that's hard. lol. For Christmas we are going to a Titans game in Nashville. Travis is so excited, we will leave on Friday and then come back on that Monday. I think the mini-vacation will be good for us.
Other than that.. nothing else :)
I thought id update this blog, as its been a while. Lol. I will keep posting more, but there really isnt anything going on. Like i said, we are on a mini-fert-break. LOL. i like that term. haha.
We have been still thinking about foster care/adoption but finances are a big thing right now, and we have lack of. We will probably persue foster care once Trav is done with school in Dec 2010, but for now, its hard with his class schedule (and mine) I will still be going back to school in spring and in the fall i will attemp to do online courses for my B-K degree. Fun stuff. lol.
As for us, we are just enjoying the time with eachother and trying to get things ready around the house. We have alot of work that needs to be done, but with no money-that's hard. lol. For Christmas we are going to a Titans game in Nashville. Travis is so excited, we will leave on Friday and then come back on that Monday. I think the mini-vacation will be good for us.
Other than that.. nothing else :)
I thought id update this blog, as its been a while. Lol. I will keep posting more, but there really isnt anything going on. Like i said, we are on a mini-fert-break. LOL. i like that term. haha.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
long time....
Its been a long time since i have posted.. man, sorry about that.
nothing new is going on with me, or travis. we are just trucking along!! we have decided to just let God do His thing and save money in the meantime :)
Travis and I had some pics done today for our Christmas pictures, here are a couple of them (wouldnt upload :( i guess just one pic will do!)
Monday, September 7, 2009
some thoughts....
2 posts in one day-wow.. im good :) i got this off of my friends blog who also struggled w/ infertility who now has triplet girls :) (i think its from someone else too-i dont think she wrote it)
To wake me up in the mornings, I need an alarm clock because there are no little ones to jump onto my bed urging me to wake up.
I take my time getting ready in the morning because I don’t have anyone to dress but myself.
Instead of changing dirty diapers, I change a puppy pad.
Instead of preparing lunch for school, I pour fresh food and water for my dog.
Instead of tiny fingerprints on my front door, I have old stains because I haven’t cleaned the glass in a few months.
I have no clue what it’s like to have a dryer full of little clothes that are “so aggravating” to fold.
I don’t have a diaper genie, a changing table, or a crib- only a bunk bed that is filled with junk we pile up throughout the week.
My picture frames are filled with pictures of friends’ children because I haven’t had an opportunity to capture the beauty in the faces of my own.
My husband and I don’t have any family portraits because we don’t have a “family” as defined by our world.
We haven’t had our picture taken in eight years because we feel incomplete.
There are no toys filling every area of my living room floor – only dirt dragged in by our shoes.
When I want to have a quiet moment, all I have to do is turn off the television.
The only birthday parties we celebrate are those of other children.
When we go to church, we feel like the “fairly odd couple” because everyone else has something in common.
No, I don’t know what labor pains feel like.
No, I don’t know what it feels like to carry your world in your womb for nine months.
And when I think I might be pregnant, I’m haunted by all of the “negatives” during the past eight years.
I can’t plan children, only “times” to try for them.
TSH, HSG, HCG, and PCOS are not blogging abbreviations.
Trying to conceive a child for me is driving two hours for a five-minute visit to draw blood and then waiting the entire day to hear that I’ll have to try again next cycle because I didn’t ovulate on the 12th-14th day, but on the 19th day.
I have no more vacation or sick days left at work.
I never hear, “We’re praying for you and believing in you,” but rather “It’ll happen” or “Maybe if you adopt…”
I feel guilty every day. I feel like a failure to God, my husband, my parents, my church, and myself.
I’ve never heard “I love you, Mommy!”
If you have never experienced the pain of infertility, you can’t relate. However, you can pray for us. We long to have what you have. If we don’t congratulate you about your new baby or if we walk out of the room during a baby dedication or an infant baptism, please don’t be offended. These moments remind us of what’s missing in our lives
To wake me up in the mornings, I need an alarm clock because there are no little ones to jump onto my bed urging me to wake up.
I take my time getting ready in the morning because I don’t have anyone to dress but myself.
Instead of changing dirty diapers, I change a puppy pad.
Instead of preparing lunch for school, I pour fresh food and water for my dog.
Instead of tiny fingerprints on my front door, I have old stains because I haven’t cleaned the glass in a few months.
I have no clue what it’s like to have a dryer full of little clothes that are “so aggravating” to fold.
I don’t have a diaper genie, a changing table, or a crib- only a bunk bed that is filled with junk we pile up throughout the week.
My picture frames are filled with pictures of friends’ children because I haven’t had an opportunity to capture the beauty in the faces of my own.
My husband and I don’t have any family portraits because we don’t have a “family” as defined by our world.
We haven’t had our picture taken in eight years because we feel incomplete.
There are no toys filling every area of my living room floor – only dirt dragged in by our shoes.
When I want to have a quiet moment, all I have to do is turn off the television.
The only birthday parties we celebrate are those of other children.
When we go to church, we feel like the “fairly odd couple” because everyone else has something in common.
No, I don’t know what labor pains feel like.
No, I don’t know what it feels like to carry your world in your womb for nine months.
And when I think I might be pregnant, I’m haunted by all of the “negatives” during the past eight years.
I can’t plan children, only “times” to try for them.
TSH, HSG, HCG, and PCOS are not blogging abbreviations.
Trying to conceive a child for me is driving two hours for a five-minute visit to draw blood and then waiting the entire day to hear that I’ll have to try again next cycle because I didn’t ovulate on the 12th-14th day, but on the 19th day.
I have no more vacation or sick days left at work.
I never hear, “We’re praying for you and believing in you,” but rather “It’ll happen” or “Maybe if you adopt…”
I feel guilty every day. I feel like a failure to God, my husband, my parents, my church, and myself.
I’ve never heard “I love you, Mommy!”
If you have never experienced the pain of infertility, you can’t relate. However, you can pray for us. We long to have what you have. If we don’t congratulate you about your new baby or if we walk out of the room during a baby dedication or an infant baptism, please don’t be offended. These moments remind us of what’s missing in our lives
Last Day of Provera
YAY today was my last day of provera-thank God! Now i just wait for my period to come, and then i will take Femara on days 1-4. then i just wait. Waiting has got to be the hardest part of all during this journey. In the past 2 years and 2 months, i have waited more times than i ever thought possible. God must really be working on some patience for me. lol. im trying-boy am i trying so hard!!!
Last night i went to a youth conference at ASU to watch Meredith Andrews, Brandon Heath, Josh Wilson (i think that was his name-lol) and 7 miles. it was really good. but what really stuck out to me was what one of the guest speakers said-he said " God will not start somthing with/in you, that He will not finish". God started me in this journey and He will finish it. whether it be through a biological birth, foster care, adoption, or anything.... It will be finished-and it will be finished soon :) I have this overwhelming desire in my heart-and its getting stronger and stronger. my will and my faith is getting stronger and stronger as well. (its also being tested more and more)
God is working deep in my life right now, and i cant wait to see what the next couple of months hold. As for now, no more dr apointments until Jan. so my posts will be few and far between (unless i conceive in the mean-time :)) Please continue to pray for us and all my friends who are facing this heart-ache as well.....
Last night i went to a youth conference at ASU to watch Meredith Andrews, Brandon Heath, Josh Wilson (i think that was his name-lol) and 7 miles. it was really good. but what really stuck out to me was what one of the guest speakers said-he said " God will not start somthing with/in you, that He will not finish". God started me in this journey and He will finish it. whether it be through a biological birth, foster care, adoption, or anything.... It will be finished-and it will be finished soon :) I have this overwhelming desire in my heart-and its getting stronger and stronger. my will and my faith is getting stronger and stronger as well. (its also being tested more and more)
God is working deep in my life right now, and i cant wait to see what the next couple of months hold. As for now, no more dr apointments until Jan. so my posts will be few and far between (unless i conceive in the mean-time :)) Please continue to pray for us and all my friends who are facing this heart-ache as well.....
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