Never will I.....

I cant sleep, I need to sleep bc I have to be up at 5am for my 730 apointment. But this was on my mind... so I thought Id delight ya'll in a post :) These are just thoughts, that I look back and think... i would have never done that, or would i. Most of these I have done or will do....

Just never say never...



Never Will I.....

* Spend hundreds of dollars on ovulation and pregnancy tests

* Go to the dr on day 3 of my period for an internal ultrasound (let me tell you-that's embarassing)

* Spend hundreds of dollars, no-make that thousands, on copays, dr bills,and medication.

* Shoot myself daily with hormone shots...

* Take daily pills to make me a horrible, moody person.

* Take a pill vaginally in order to not have a miscarriage IF I get pregnant that cycle..

* Cry thousands, no-make that BILLIONS- of tears over my biological child that may never be.

* Research thousands of websites so I can learn about PCOS, Endo, IUI, IVF, and last but not least-Adoption

* Die a little inside when I see a bfn on a pregnancy test every month

* Cry when I get my period

* And other months rejoice when I get my period (ironic-huh)

* Have surgery to remove somthing that isnt supposed to be in my body (endo)

* Drive thousands of miles, only for a 5 min apointment

* Have a complete stranger know all about my vagina, cervix, sex life and my cycle days.

* have sex w/ my husband bc I HAVE to, bc its the right time...

* lay in bed-w/ out peeing or talking first-just to take my temp so I can see if I ovulated or not

* take apart a pregnancy test to see if i see the FAINTEST of lines... only to see NOTHING!

* Get soooo excited over a bfp-only to realise its from the hcg shot (after it was a negative for 2 days)

* See the look of fear and sadness on my husband's face, on my face, when we realise that it didnt work that month

* have a child past the age of 30 (I always thought Id have all my children, i wanted 4, before I was 30) I know Im still 4 years away from 30, buts its getting close.

* have ever thought about adoption fundraisers and raising $25k to go to another country and get MY baby

* Feel like a failure.

* Be so open and honest with people

* Be an inspiration to someone else, about infertility

* understand why

* Start a blog (that was somthing I never thought id do)

* have so much faith (my faith in God has gotten so strong over the past 3 years)

* fall more and more in love w/ my husband (going through infertility usually tears people apart, but for us-its seemed to have brought us closer, and im greatful for my Godly husband)

* Feel sooo confused. Infertility has got to be the HARDEST thing that I have ever been through. Sooo many emotions.

* Give up. I wont give up, not until God lays it upon my heart. Sure, we may have to take "breaks" and figure out our next step, but God has a great and mighty plan for us.