Heartbroken....

Today,

Im heartbroken. Tomorrow would have been the best day of our lives. Tomorrow would have been the end to all things infertility and we would have finally got our miracle. Tomorrow, we would have seen our precious babies being put into their home for the next 9 months. Tomorrow, is now, just another Tuesday.

Today..

I couldnt go to work. I couldnt face the people I work with, and them know that Im another failure. I couldnt hear them say "its okay" when, really, its not. I couldnt face my babies bc its somthing I may never have-a child of my own.

Today...

All I can do is cry. I cry for the child I lost. I cry for the children I may never have. I cry for my heart that is broken. I cry because I know my husbands heart is breaking too.

Today...

Im mad. Im mad bc people get pregnant soo easy. Im mad bc people always get what they want, so why not get this. Im mad bc there is nothing I can do about this.


Today...

Im just breaking. Im longing for somthing that I cant have. That I long for. No, you cant understand this hurt, this pain, this longing... until you have been here. Until you have been in OUR shoes. You may be "trying" for a month or so, and yes, even then-its hard, but once youve gone a year, or 2 years, or heck-even 3. its hard. its very very hard.

Today...

oddly enough.

Im greatful. Sounds funny doesnt it? Here I am, crying, mad, sad, hurt, heartbroken.. and yet-im greatful.

what the heck you ask?? Yes, Im greatful.

Im greatful for my husband who has held me while I cried so hard I throw up or cant breathe. For the times he just sits there and crys along with me. Im thankful for my family who is by my side and gives me time to greive, bc they know me best. they know I need time. Im greatful for my friends/coworkers who are there to support me through all the hard times. who call/text to check on me, who ask me if i need anything (instead of just pretend that you care). Even if those friends are miles away, they still ask-they still care.

Im greatful for the love of Jesus-knowing that He is there no matter what and I know that He has a plan for our lives. Its hard to see it now, but somehow... someway.. one day.. we will get our baby/babies.

Infertility sucks, but im greatful.

Infertility has brought travis and i closer together as a couple, and closer to God. Its an awful awful road, that I wouldnt wish upon ANYONE, but (and some people might get mad) but I feel that everyone needs to have to work a little at it. It helps to you realise what you have and dont have. When you get that baby-finally-you will feel more accomplished, like you have worked at somthing for once.


Im sorry if ive "stepped on toes" but this is my blog and my emotions.

I appreciate all the prayers and thoughts, and kind words. I know that God has a GOOD and PERFECT plan for us. Im trying.