Our Trip

We had a really great time when we went to Nashville this past weekend :) the Titans won 47-7 and it was a really great game!!! We also toured around Nashville while we were there and saw lots of great things. We did TONS of walking, but its just what we needed. We def needed to get away. We needed to have time to ourselves and just to get away :)

On the baby front-not much, just trucking along, waiting for God's time to come :) I know that it will happen soon... i just know it! In the meantime, im just waiting. Number 3 IUI will be sometime in Jan-dont know when yet.. but that's when it should be.



Nothing else new...

Devotional

It Came To Pass...


Weeping may last for the night,
But a shout of joy comes in the morning.
Psalm 30:5


There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven--

A time to weep and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn and a time to dance.


Ecclesiastes 1:1, 4


452. That’s how many times the phrase “it came to pass” shows up in the King James version of the Bible! No wonder I’ve heard so many preachers expound on these Scriptures! There are so many of them! I’ve even heard a Christian comedian build an entire set around this one popular Biblical phrase--“it came to pass”!


Do you realize there is great comfort for you in this phrase--“it came to pass”? Today, it probably seems as if your life will consist of nothing more than infertility. You probably believe that for the next 60 years you will know your basal body temperature and exactly how many days has passed since the beginning of your last menstrual cycle began! The desire for a child consumes your every waking thought and most of your slumber, and it is almost unimaginable to consider a day when you can face a day without the sting of baby hunger hurting your heart. “It came to pass...”


Infertility is a season in your life. This difficult, hurtful time will not last forever. It has come into your life, and it will pass into your history. God has allowed it to come into your life for a purpose and eventually it will be a part of the story of your life. It will be part of what has made you into the amazing woman or man you are, but believe it or not, it will eventually be a part of your history, not a part of your everyday existence! It’s so hard to see the end of infertility’s story when you are waiting for the results of a blood test or trying your best to decide what step to take next.


If infertility has brought you frustration and tears, remember that it is a season in your life. Weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning.


If God has appointed this time in your life to be the season for you to face infertility and the purpose He has for its role in your life, then realize that He also has an appointed time for joy in your life. There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven.


How will infertility’s story end? We all dream of the perfect ending of pink and blue bundles of joy at the end of our weeping! We at Sarah’s Laughter pray for babies for you! We ask God to give you the children you so desire and that when you conceive that you are blessed with perfect pregnancies with no miscarriages and no problems in your pregnancies. We ask that He grant you peace in pregnancies and that you can enjoy the full 40 weeks and not be fearful of loss. We ask that He make you godly parents who will raise your children as mighty men and women of God who will make a difference in the kingdom of Heaven.


Even if God chooses to take your story in another direction, whether it is the miraculous completion of your family through adoption or the blessed peace God grants to the couple who trusts Him when there are no children, God will bring you through your experience with infertility. It will not always be as hard as it is today. It came to pass... It has come into your life, but it will pass. God can use infertility in ways you never dreamed possible to reach you and teach you and show you amazing things about Himself. But it has come to pass. This may be your time for weeping, but your time for laughing is coming. You may have had a time for mourning, but you will dance again!


It came to pass!

This year....

Well, since this year is coming to a close soon, i thought id make a list of what ive got this year, what ive done, and what is new...

** I got a new car, in June.
** Closer to God
** Fell even more in love w/ travis.
** my first hospital visit for me
** First surgery
** First time i was put to sleep
** Endured heartache
** Shed lots of tears
** Relized how it felt to feel like your guts were ripped out-lol (from the surgery)
** Made new friends
** Went to new places (well, I will on Friday)
** New sense of who i am and what i want to do.
** Started classes again
** Started getting caught up on paying bills
** Gave myself a shot-for the very first time
** Drove a TON of miles to and from the dr.
** Stayed in more hotels than i have my whole life
** Went to the beach
** Went to Pigeon Forge
** Had an amazing time praising God during ATF and at Winter Jam
** Started girls night w/ the girls at work :)
** Made my first "diaper" cake.
** Did 2 Iui's. who ever thought that id need artificial insemination to get pg.
** Got stuck w/ more needles than last year-yay me-lol
** Got close to some kids in the youth group
** My Uncle and Aunt came for a visit.
** Bought a Wii :)
** My sister and her boyfriend moved to Washington DC.
** Went to a Tennessee Titans game ( I will on friday :))
** Got to spend alot more time with Travis
** My brother came up from FL for Thanksgiving


I think thats all for now. Im very very excited to see what God is going to do in our lives this coming year (and yes, i was a little early at doing this-lol) I hope that next year brings LOTS of great news!! a pregnancy announcement, a baby (or 2) and some great chances for Travis & I to grow together and with the Lord :)

Poem

The journey from infertility to family,
someone once said,
is like taking a train ride;
Never knowing whether
you'll reach your desired destination.

There are plenty of stops along the ride.
And each of the passengers
makes it's own decision
when its time to get off.

Some never need to take the train.
Others ride it for a lifetime.
But whether you reach your destination or not,
pay attention to the journey.
If you will,
as painful as it is,
it may reward you in unexpected ways.

New York, December 2000

(c) 2000 Ronen Divon, All Rights Reserved.

Was it all worth it?

Someone asked me the other day, Has this all been worth it? and to answer that-YES, 100% Yes. Sure, i dont have my baby yet, and im not even pg yet, but all that i have endured (that we have endured) has ALL been worth it.

Every period, every cramp/pain, every tear, every prayer, every fight (God knows there were alot of them), every mile drove, every early dr apt, every blood draw(eick) every shot, every IUI, every hsg, every procedure, every hormone level check, every negative pregnancy test, every failed month, every surgery, every semen analysis, every overnight hotel stay, every penny spent, and every single minute of every single day is def worth it to us. We wouldnt give anything for the experience we have had and we wouldnt give anything for the pain that we have endured, but in the end, its all been God's plan. I know that one day, He IS going to bless us in a way we cant even imagine right now..... So to answer that person's question.... It was and is def worth it.... more than anyone could ever imagine...

Black Friday shopping

Travis and I went to walmart on Friday to get some deals at walmart. We didnt get much. We got some batteries (they were only $2.50!) Yes, its sad when i get excited over batteries-LOL. Travis got an XBox 360 game (from my parents for Christmas) and then i got a book. My mom and I went to Wilkes to go to Kohls, JCPenny, Belk and we also stopped at Rue21. (Ive never shopped there before-it was neat) I got a few things from Kohls, some pants from JCPenny, and a pair of boots from Rue21. Mom saved more than she spent at Kohls. Crazy! lol. All in all, it was a good shopping day. Travis had the tree up when I got home, so we decorated and put up some Christmas decoration. We dont have many, so i need to run to the $1 tree to see if they have any nice ones this year. i would like new stockings too, but Trav says no. Now all i have to do is wrap gifts.

As for other news, there is none. The countdown for alot of things is on. Christmas: 27 days, our trip to Nashville: 13 days, and then my dr apointments start back up in Jan, that is if im not pg this month or next. We'll see how God decides to Bless us. I cant wait to find out :)

That's about all...

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Today on Thanksgiving I am thankful for alot of things. Its been a long and rough year, and i know that God has gotten me through it. Without Him, i dont know where id be. Its been a long and rough year, and with the help of friends, family, my husband and mostly God, i have gotten through it.

today i am thankful for:
*My life and my salvation. That God sent His only son to die on the cross for our sins.
* My husband. he is the greatest and has been there for me sooo much over the past 8 years that we have been together (married for 3 and 1/2)
* My family, they are a great source of strength for me :)
* My friends, they have been there alot and listened to me complain over and over again.
* that God has given drs the ability to assist in healing and the knowledge to know what to do.
*my church and the youth that go there
* my house, that i have shelter and a place to lay my head a night
* my car, that im able to get around
*and lastly, my job. i love those babies so much and would do anything for them :)

have a happy Thanksgiving and dont forget to be thankful this year :)

2 and 1/2 years.....

On Dec 24, 2009 it will be 2 1/2 years since Travis & I have been trying to have a baby. For the past 2 and 1/2 years.. this is what i got out of it...

*June 2007 tried on our own.
*July 2007/Aug 2007 went to Dr Webb at watauga womens center for possible pg. pg test was positive, but ultrasound showed empty sac. chemical pg. Tests were ran. 3 hr glucose was done and pcos panel was also done. Ultrasound to confirm PCOS.
*Sept 2007 My first cycle on metformin. 1000mg
*Oct 2007 I actually ovulated on just metformin alone.
*December 2007 brought my first month of clomid 50mg. nothing happend on that cycle. *Feb 2008 was my 2nd month of Clomid-100mg, nothing.
*April 2008 was my 3rd month on Clomid-150mg, nothing.
*June 2008 was my first month with the dr at CARS in Johnson City, TN. i started on Femara 7.5mg that month, ovulated with 2 follicles, 17mm and 19mm but no pg
*July 2008 2nd month on femera with CARS. 7.5mg 2 follicles, 27mm and 28mm, no pg. hcg trigger shot
*Aug 2008. 3rd month on femera with CARS. 7.5mg 3 follicles, 2-23mm and 1-19mm, no pg. hcg trigger shot
*Sept, Oct, Nov and Dec 2008 were break cycles
* Jan 2009 rest cycle
* Jan 27, 2009. HSG done at Wat Medical by Dr webb. Possible right tube blockage
* Feb 9, 2009 started at Lyndhurst in winston.
* March 2009 4th month on femara. Lyndhurst 2 follicles, 35mm and 24mm, hcg trigger shot. no pg.
* April 2009/May 2009 5th month on femera at Lyndhurst. 2 follicles, 20mm and 30mm. hcg trigger shot. Post coital test twice-both times failed. no pg
* May 2009/June 2009 6th month on femera at Lyndhurst. 2 follicles, 21mm and 19mm. hcg trigger shot. IUI on June 5, 2009 at 9:15 am. no pg
* June 2009/ July 2009. 7th month on femera at Lyndhurst. 2 follicles, 19mm and 14mm. hcg trigger shot, IUI on July 4 at 10:15am. no pg
* July/Aug 2009: July 27, 2009 Lap consult with Dr Parker.
* Aug 6, 2009. LAP surgery at 7am at Forsyth Medical. 1 hr procedure. outpatient. removed slight endo off of uterus/ovaries. both tubes are completly open :)
* Sept 2009/ October 2009: 8th month on femera. No dr apointments just timed intercouse. ovulation, but no pg.
* Oct 2009/ November 2009: 9th month on femera. No dr. timed intercourse, ovulation, no pg.
* November 2009/ December 2009: 10th month on femera. No dr apointments. timed intercourse...

In Jan 2010 i will start going back to see Dr Parker. I have another round of doing the femera on our own. we will see what happens then :)

I need to also add that i have gotten strength, friendships, stronger and closer relationship with God and a much better one w/ Travis. Yes, I have also had grief, heartaches, tears, anger, craziness and much much sadness. But i need to look back on what has happend and realise, this is ALL making me a much much better person. I will become a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, and person all because of this experience. We arent done yet, and i know that God has a good and perfect will for our life!!! :)

For this child I have prayed......

For this child I prayed...
1 Samuel 1:27


As women who face the daily struggle of infertility, there is no doubt the pages of our Bibles recording chapters one and two of 1 Samuel are dog-eared. We loved to read and reread the story of Hannah as she wept and prayed in the temple, crying out to God for a baby, just as we do today. We relate to her frustration, we can almost literally feel her pain and taste her salty tears. How many times have we all sat down in the dusty floor of the temple next to Hannah and wept along with her? It’s just so good to be understood by someone else who knows what it feels like to want a baby so badly, even if that understanding sister lived thousands of years ago!


Oh, how I wish there were video cameras in Hannah’s day! As much I love to read Hannah’s words, I would really love to hear her tell her story. Wouldn’t you? I’d love to hear her make her petitions to the Almighty. I’d love to see her face when she told Eli the priest that she wasn’t drunk, but heartbroken instead. Most of all, I’d want to eavesdrop when she brought her God-sent son back to the same priest and dedicated him to the Lord. I’d ask you to watch that particular video today. Then I’d ask you to watch it again and again. And again.


I’d ask you to back the video up to 1 Samuel 1:27 when Hannah held her precious baby boy in her arms and looked at the priest, Eli, and said “For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted what I asked of Him...” And then I’d ask you to back it up and watch it again. And again. “For this child I prayed...” Back it up. “For this child I prayed...” Turn the volume up. “For this child I prayed...” I can’t help but believe if we could hear Hannah’s voice when she said these words, we might just hear her put her passionate emphasis on the word this. “For THIS child I prayed...”


The waiting in hard. You just want a baby. You don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl, or if it’s born at the perfect time of year. You just want a healthy baby. You cry out to God with everything in you to let this month be the month. “God, please! I can’t wait another month! I’ll go crazy! Please let me get pregnant this time!” Just one baby! That’s all you ask for! But please, let it be now! Anybody who has ever gone through infertility would absolutely understand.


But listen to Hannah. “For this child I prayed.” What she didn’t realize all those years as she was weeping and crying out to God for a baby was that every single tear and every single prayer was a prayer for Samuel. Every single tear was a tear shed for Samuel. Every single prayer was a prayer prayed for Samuel. For this child I prayed. Can you imagine the first time she saw his face? It must have all come together in an instant! “Oh, I understand! It was for this child I prayed and waited! Not another! But for this child! So worth it. He was so worth it!”



If Hannah had conceived when she first desired a child, that child would not have been Samuel. There’s no way she could have realized the specific child she was praying for, but God knew. God knows your life and your future just as specifically. All the months that have passed with negative pregnancy tests are not failures. Were Hannah’s months and years without pregnancies failures? Her story resulted in Samuel! If she had conceived even one month earlier than she did, Samuel could not have been conceived and history would have been changed. “For this child I prayed...”


I believe God has a purpose and a plan for your infertility. I believe there is a reason for every single month, every single week, every single day and every single negative pregnancy test you must endure. (Jeremiah 29:11) Keep praying. Keep asking God for children. It is our prayer that one day, just as you have wept with Hannah, you will join with her in saying, “For this child I prayed and God has granted what I asked of Him.”

Waiting.. and waiting.. and waiting.

As you all know, none of the IUI's worked, so I had LAP surgery done in Aug (i think-lol) We have been just taking Femera and trying on our own until Jan. I think that this is good for us, to take a step back and examine things before moving on. We will do 3 consecutive IUI's (Jan, Feb and March) God-willing one of those will work. If not, we will talk to the dr about what is next and then maybe pursue other options. We will look into getting into an IVF study (probably for over the summer when its easier for Travis & I both to get off of work) if we dont get into one of those, we will just try on our own, or see what Dr Parker has to say. Who knows, i may need another opinion or somthing. Im really hoping and praying that God answers our prayers soon , but ultimatly, its in His time-not ours. We just need to keep our focus on the goal and know that this is ALL worth it in the end :)

We have been still thinking about foster care/adoption but finances are a big thing right now, and we have lack of. We will probably persue foster care once Trav is done with school in Dec 2010, but for now, its hard with his class schedule (and mine) I will still be going back to school in spring and in the fall i will attemp to do online courses for my B-K degree. Fun stuff. lol.

As for us, we are just enjoying the time with eachother and trying to get things ready around the house. We have alot of work that needs to be done, but with no money-that's hard. lol. For Christmas we are going to a Titans game in Nashville. Travis is so excited, we will leave on Friday and then come back on that Monday. I think the mini-vacation will be good for us.

Other than that.. nothing else :)

I thought id update this blog, as its been a while. Lol. I will keep posting more, but there really isnt anything going on. Like i said, we are on a mini-fert-break. LOL. i like that term. haha.

long time....

Its been a long time since i have posted.. man, sorry about that.





nothing new is going on with me, or travis. we are just trucking along!! we have decided to just let God do His thing and save money in the meantime :)





Travis and I had some pics done today for our Christmas pictures, here are a couple of them (wouldnt upload :( i guess just one pic will do!)

some thoughts....

2 posts in one day-wow.. im good :) i got this off of my friends blog who also struggled w/ infertility who now has triplet girls :) (i think its from someone else too-i dont think she wrote it)






To wake me up in the mornings, I need an alarm clock because there are no little ones to jump onto my bed urging me to wake up.

I take my time getting ready in the morning because I don’t have anyone to dress but myself.

Instead of changing dirty diapers, I change a puppy pad.

Instead of preparing lunch for school, I pour fresh food and water for my dog.

Instead of tiny fingerprints on my front door, I have old stains because I haven’t cleaned the glass in a few months.

I have no clue what it’s like to have a dryer full of little clothes that are “so aggravating” to fold.

I don’t have a diaper genie, a changing table, or a crib- only a bunk bed that is filled with junk we pile up throughout the week.

My picture frames are filled with pictures of friends’ children because I haven’t had an opportunity to capture the beauty in the faces of my own.

My husband and I don’t have any family portraits because we don’t have a “family” as defined by our world.

We haven’t had our picture taken in eight years because we feel incomplete.

There are no toys filling every area of my living room floor – only dirt dragged in by our shoes.

When I want to have a quiet moment, all I have to do is turn off the television.

The only birthday parties we celebrate are those of other children.

When we go to church, we feel like the “fairly odd couple” because everyone else has something in common.

No, I don’t know what labor pains feel like.

No, I don’t know what it feels like to carry your world in your womb for nine months.

And when I think I might be pregnant, I’m haunted by all of the “negatives” during the past eight years.

I can’t plan children, only “times” to try for them.

TSH, HSG, HCG, and PCOS are not blogging abbreviations.

Trying to conceive a child for me is driving two hours for a five-minute visit to draw blood and then waiting the entire day to hear that I’ll have to try again next cycle because I didn’t ovulate on the 12th-14th day, but on the 19th day.

I have no more vacation or sick days left at work.

I never hear, “We’re praying for you and believing in you,” but rather “It’ll happen” or “Maybe if you adopt…”

I feel guilty every day. I feel like a failure to God, my husband, my parents, my church, and myself.

I’ve never heard “I love you, Mommy!”

If you have never experienced the pain of infertility, you can’t relate. However, you can pray for us. We long to have what you have. If we don’t congratulate you about your new baby or if we walk out of the room during a baby dedication or an infant baptism, please don’t be offended. These moments remind us of what’s missing in our lives

Last Day of Provera

YAY today was my last day of provera-thank God! Now i just wait for my period to come, and then i will take Femara on days 1-4. then i just wait. Waiting has got to be the hardest part of all during this journey. In the past 2 years and 2 months, i have waited more times than i ever thought possible. God must really be working on some patience for me. lol. im trying-boy am i trying so hard!!!

Last night i went to a youth conference at ASU to watch Meredith Andrews, Brandon Heath, Josh Wilson (i think that was his name-lol) and 7 miles. it was really good. but what really stuck out to me was what one of the guest speakers said-he said " God will not start somthing with/in you, that He will not finish". God started me in this journey and He will finish it. whether it be through a biological birth, foster care, adoption, or anything.... It will be finished-and it will be finished soon :) I have this overwhelming desire in my heart-and its getting stronger and stronger. my will and my faith is getting stronger and stronger as well. (its also being tested more and more)

God is working deep in my life right now, and i cant wait to see what the next couple of months hold. As for now, no more dr apointments until Jan. so my posts will be few and far between (unless i conceive in the mean-time :)) Please continue to pray for us and all my friends who are facing this heart-ache as well.....

Post-Op update

I havent posted in a while, so i thought id update you with my post-op. i had it on friday.

My dr did a quick exam of my incisions and then a pelvic (yuck) my scars are healing nicely-still itchy as can be though!!! grr. and everything felt good. i had a pg test done, and of course was neg. i got to see some interesting pics of my insides, they were really cool. they found some slight endo on the outside of my uterus and burned it off. so that should help. the dr told us that even that little bit will hinder things from happening... so im happy that they took it off :) We have decided that we are going to induce a period with provera, and then after i get my period i will take femara on days 1-4 and then use ovulation tests to have timed intercourse. i am hoping that this will do the trick and God will decide to bless us really soon!!! Also, we decided if we dont get pg by Jan 2010 with the timed intercourse then we will do another IUI in Jan or Feb (or maybe Dec-hehe) im just hoping we dont need to go that direction and that God is going to bless us :) (in His time!)

nothing else really going on. I have decided to keep myself busy. I have a few projects around the house that i want to get done. I want to re-do the walkway to the house, with new rocks and stepping stones. then i want to tear out the bush on the side of our house and plant tulips and put down mulch. i also want to paint one of the spare rooms, but i know as soon as i paint it-i will need to just repaint it for a baby :) lol. (which is fine w/ me!) i would love love to paint the brick on our house, but i dont think travis would like that too much-lol. we have decided to replace the flooring in the "Titans" room. Its going to be a rubbery type floor-the kind that they use in weight rooms :) red and blue of course. other than that.. im just trying to get things together for some Christmas gifts. id like to make some this year. we'll see.

that's all for now, i thought id update my blog since its been a while :)

Healing

I thought id update and let ya know that im healing just great :)

I went back to work today, and it was an uneventful day-until i came home. My navel (belly button-lol) keeps bleeding, which i dont know why. my nurse never emailed or called me back, so im assuming its not a big deal. Im in ALOT of pain in my stomach now that everything is healing and stretching back to normal. I still cant bend over, but what do ya do.. lol. that's my job.

Im just so excited to see what God is going to do in the next couple of months. They say that the next few months are the best for us to try to conceive naturally-and that's just what we're going to do. We're just going to TRY to conceive without the help of fertility meds. If we dont get pg, and we WILL, before Jan 2010 we're going to go back on fert meds and do an iui right away. We'll see. We're leaving it ALL in God's hands for now :)


Travis and I had a great night together, we watched I Love You, Man. and 17 Again. They were pretty good movies. It was nice just to sit around and do nothing.

That's about all :)

Worry

here is my daily devotional for today :) I thought it was wonderful!!!







Worry
22...And He said to His disciples, "For this reason I say to you, do not worry about your life, as to what you will eat; nor for your body, as to what you will put on.
23 "For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing.
24 "Consider the ravens, for they neither sow nor reap; they have no storeroom nor barn, and yet God feeds them; how much more valuable you are than the birds!
25 "And which of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life's span?
26 "If then you cannot do even a very little thing, why do you worry about other matters?
27 "Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; but I tell you, not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these.
28 "But if God so clothes the grass in the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, how much more will He clothe you? You men of little faith!
29 "And do not seek what you will eat and what you will drink, and do not keep worrying.
30 "For all these things the nations of the world eagerly seek; but your Father knows that you need these things.
31 "But seek His kingdom, and these things will be added to you.
32 "Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has chosen gladly to give you the kingdom.

Luke 12:22-32

Are you a worrier? Do you worry what people think about you? Do you worry that you worry too much? Do you worry that you don’t worry enough? Worry can be a heavy burden to carry on your journey through infertility.
As infertile couples, there are many issues that we face that other people don’t even consider. For example, the dreaded baby shower! Other people get an invitation to a baby shower and the only complaint they have is that they don’t have time to run to the store to pick up a gift! The woman who struggles with infertility knows what’s inside the envelope as soon as she sees it in the mailbox. It weighs at least 1,000 pounds as she carries it inside! She has to sit down and cry for a few minutes before she garners enough strength to open it up and read it. What makes it worse is that the shower is for her sister! She forces herself to read the “happy” news, and writes the date and time down on her calendar, right next to the reminder that she has another appointment for blood work on the same day. As she wipes her eyes and blows her nose, she wonders how she’ll make it through another baby shower. Oh, she’ll go! It’ll kill her, but she’ll go! Why? She worries what people would think if she didn’t go to her little sister’s baby shower. She worries that her mom would get angry or that her sister would get her feelings hurt if she didn’t go. She worries that her family would think she didn’t love her new niece if she stays away. She worries that she’ll be viewed as selfish if she forces herself to go, but cries the whole time. She just worries.
She worries about her future too. She worries about where the money will come from for her next round of treatment. She worries that the medicine won’t work as well this time. She worries that the strain is going to be too much on her marriage. She worries that if she is never able to conceive, that she and her husband won’t be able to agree on whether or not to adopt. She worries that if they can’t agree on adoption, that they will never have children. She worries that she will die alone. She just worries.
Do you realize that the very same God who said to you “Do not kill,” and “Do not steal,” also says to you “Do not worry”? He says not to worry because not only does worry weigh you down and make you fearful, worry does nothing to help the situation! And which of you by worrying can add a sing hour to his life’s span? How beautiful it is for God to tell you not to worry! He can do this because He is the One who can make right all the wrongs in your life! He has all power and authority in Heaven and in earth and He tells you not to worry! He even hold authority over infertility, and He tells you not to worry! Fertility-challenged sister, do not worry!
In Luke 12, some men approached Jesus and were asking Him to settle a dispute among family members regarding an inheritance. They were worried about their financial future! Along with teaching them that their worth didn’t lie in the possessions they owned, Jesus assured them that for a child under His keeping, worry had no place.
Wouldn’t you have loved to have been there? I’ll bet a raven flew overhead and Jesus must have pointed skyward and said “Look at those ravens, fellas. They’re not worried about what they’ll eat today! God feeds them. Don’t you know you’re worth so much more!” Maybe there were lilies growing wild in the fields where He was teaching that day when He said to His listeners “Hey guys! You’ve heard about Solomon. Even his finest robes couldn’t compare to these lilies. Wanna know why? Because God clothes them. He’ll take care of you too.”
He says the same to you today. “Don’t worry, daughter. I know the desires of your heart. You feel all alone in this struggle, but I’m right there with you. I’ll take care of you through it all.” You simply don’t have to worry. Whatever God’s plan is for you, He tells you not to worry because He is fully capable of taking care of you throughout the entirety of His plan. From start to finish, you are under His care, so you can find rest.
Does that mean every thing will be easy sailing? Not necessarily. But we know that God has known every day of your life from beginning to end (Psalm 139:16), and He is fully capable of seeing you through good days and bad, happy times and sad. No matter what you face, whether it is pregnancy, miscarriage, adoption, joy, sorrow, or any combination thereof, God is able to see you through. And because He is able to see you through, He says to you, don’t worry.

day 2 of rest

Well, today marks day 2 of my resting period. Ive been bored, but my sister came to see me yesterday, and my brother kept me fed, and my mom came over and did my dishes. Ive got pretty good help :) Travis has been a HUGE help, waiting on me hand and foot! I just hate that i have to wake him up to get out of bed.

Last night i didnt sleep good, i tossed and turned. about 1am i went to sleep in the recliner, but then the cat kept bothering me. so about 5am i went back to the bed, and then woke up about 10:30. Im sore, bc im healing, but i just keep on remembering that this is God's plan-and THAT is what is keeping me going :) God has a great and wonderful plan for all of this, i just get to wait it out and see what it is.

I think today im going to attempt to go to eat lunch w/ my family-we'll see. i have to have a pillow w/ me at all times, behind my back-so i look like a dork. i dont know if we're going to try movies tonight or tomorrow after church. that's another thing im going to attempt, church. i need to be back in good shape to work on monday. if not, i will still go to work-just wont be at 100%. We'll see. All in all, i think im healing better and faster than what i thought i would :)

That's it for now, nothing too exciting.. just another bump in the road :)

Battle Scars, and Swollen stomach

here is a nice pic of my battle scars and my swollen belly. lol

I had an interesting night of tossing and turning and then finally managed to sleep. then i had to pee, and trav had to wake up to help me, bc i cant sit up good from laying down. I also had to wake up early to shower before trav left. now im watching saved by the bell the college years. (im lame, i know)

After all this pain, gas, cramps, sickness, sore throat, i just have to keep remembering and praying that this is ALL in God's plan and that we WILL get our baby! I am so greatful that God is so good. This is all going to be worth it and i will not regret one minute of it!!!

Catch ya later :)

Laparoscopy today

Good evening! im here (barely) and alive. lol ;) its wasnt so bad. hehe. i dont even remember going to the OR and all the gave me before that was motrin! haha. they didnt give me good drugs to take at home, just to take 800mg of motrin. someone help me, ive never taken motrin. they only sell it in 200mg (that trav could find in the walmart brand) so i take 4 of them?? im not in alot of pain, but the nurse said to take some as soon as i feel somthing. hmmm. lol. i couldnt rmemeber where i was when i woke up-haha. and the alarms were beeping bc my heart was racing! lol. it took about an hr total... they told me that the endo (even just a little bit of it) could hinder conception. i dunno though-haha. they found some on my uterus (outside i think) and then on my ovaries. i didnt really get to talk to the dr bc she had to devilver an emergency c-section to like a 15 year old!!!! i am at home, waiting on trav to bring me subway. im starving! i actually ate really good aftewards. i had some gingerale and crackers. and then chick fil a on the way home.. just the chicken and choc milkshake. now im wanting cookies sooo bad! haha. no one to bake them. im not too sore, but just a little-make sense. sort of like bad menstrual cramps and uterine cramping. and here is TMI for ya! i go from one extreme to another, so now im constipated-LOL. and im peeing like crazy-im assuming from the cath? it burns really bad-and they said that was normal for the 1st 24hrs. my friend told me that i will be sore tomorrow, so we'll see. ive been keeping hydrated and not moving around too much. O-and my stomach is orange!!! haha. from that betadine. i would take pics but you might barf-LOL.

That's alll... now we wait :) We're going to naturally try to conceive until Jan. hopefully that we get pg by then :) Im sort of anxious to see what happens!!! okay-gotta eat :)

update

I guess i thought id update this blog since i havent since June 7. lol.

the iui that we did in June did not work :( Its okay bc i guess it wasnt Gods time. We did another round of femara and had our 2nd iui on July 4th. i thought since it was independence day-we'd be lucky :( nope, no such luck. that 2nd iui failed as well. (i just found out last week) so we are waiting now. I have talked w/ my nurse and i go July 27 for a lap consult. I will have to have a laparoscopy done to go into my insides and look around for endometriosis. Its my impression that if they find any-they burn it off. and they do somthing w/ the cysts that i have as well. Like ive said, since the begining of this ttc process (2 years ago) that when its God's time, it WILL happen. He would NOT give me such a strong desire if it wasnt meant to be. Im very nervous for the surgery, but if its what needs to be done, then that's fine w/ me. I think we will do one more iui before moving on.. im not sure though.

hmm anything else new? oh yea, i decided to go back to school at wilkes and take a few classes. nothing major but a couple of social services classes. i needed somthing to take my mind of trying for a baby-and i thought that would help. plus if we decide to become foster parents, maybe it will help with that later? i dont know.. somthing new i guess.

that's about all. i thought id update this blog since its been so long!!!

New news

Well, Travis and I did the IUI on Friday, June 5th :) Im excited. We had 2 mature follicles-19mm and 21mm. so its highly likely that they both released eggs. im very nervous but feel at such a peace with things :) If this month doesnt work out, then the Lord has a better time for us. I will be okay. We have enough saved for about 2-3 more rounds of IUI but i really hope i dont have to do that.

Last i talked to my nurse, my CA125 levels were elevated which signaled slight endometriosis, so my dr may suggest LAP surgery to correct it-eick! so im really hoping he doesnt suggest that!!! Also, trav's tests came back borderline, so he will have to start on a multivitamin to correct it-no biggie :) So we're just trucking right along, hoping to get a positive out of this cycle.

Like i posted on my facebook, for the first time in 2 years of trying to have a baby-i feel at peace about all of this. sort of like God saying-okay, this is it :) If not, then i will still be okay. i know that may sound dumb to some people but to feel at peace about somthing is GREAT!!!

So besides that, nothing new :)
Travis and I watched our niece and nephew yesterday (sat) and it was so fun :) I cant wait!!! Lillian is 4 and Jonah is about 9 mths. they are so fun and i love them to death! I love spoiling them too-until we have our own, they get all the lovin :) It was a TON of fun, but man, we were sooo tired!!!

Today (Sun) we went to our friends house to eat out w/ them. it was alot of fun and im sooo greatful for such good friends :) right now, we're at my parents house :)

I just thought id update my blog and let ya'll know what is new news around here-lol. God is doing such great and wonderful things in our lives!!!

Ready? Set? GO!!!!

So.. i started my dreaded period this morning :( bleh! but im Ready for the next step!!! So that's a plus! i dont know when my apointment is going to be yet. We will be doing the Femara for 4 days and then the ultrasound and the trigger, then we'll be doing the IUI sometime. Im sooo excited!!! I get my baby soon!!! :) YAY! lol. Im really hoping and praying each and every day that this is ALL in God's will. I feel as though sometimes im going against God's will by doing artificial means, but we'll see. Maybe not :) Thanks for all the prayers!

I will keep ya posted on things. Im scared, excited, nervous, anxious, sooo sooo excited all at one time :) We'll see :)

So maybe in July or August i will get to make a big announcement :)

Strep Throat

So... I got strep throat! Why cant i ever get better??? lol. It started off with just a slight earache and then turned into horrible horrible fatigue, and then a horrible sore throat. so i went to the dr on Sat and he said it was strep. ugh. ive sat around all day yesterday and all day today.

On another note.. i went to the dr Friday and had some labs ran. I wont know the results for a while though, but i will update when i get them. They ran a couple tests, a CA 125 (i think) and a progesterone and somthing else.

On another note, i thought about writting a diary for my baby... but i dont know how lame that sounds. what do ya'll think? lol. I want to do a sort of a keepsake for my future baby/babies. we'll see...

Mother's Day poem for those with infertility

I Will Be A Wonderful Mother - By: Author Unknown

There are women who become mothers without effort,
without thought,without patience or loss,
and though they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics or money or because I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life,
the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore, and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child,
knowing that I can comfort, hold,
and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature,
pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight,
this special vision with which I will look upon my child.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to,
I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter,
neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body.
I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now,
when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine,
of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

on my way...

So my test today came back bad, like Wed. So... if im not pregnant this month, iui here we come! im really hoping im pg but if im not-then we'll be moving onto the next step. We'll see how God is going to work it out!

I go next Friday for some more tests. this time to check for endo and pelvic adhesions, so we'll see.

I appreciate all your prayers :)

my dr apointment

Okay-so i went all the way to winston and had my post coital test and then a follicle scan, including my trigger shot.

Good news and hmmm.. maybe not so good news.

Good news is that i had 2 follicles. one was about 20mm and one was about 30mm. so i triggered. my uterine lining was about 10mm.. and that's great! the biggest follicle was getting hazy so that meant that i was going to ovulate soon... but the trigger allows them both to release (so my nurse said-lol) but that's the good news :)

the maybe not so good news is that she didnt see any sperm with my post coital test (they checked my "stuff" to see how hostile it is) well, it was too thick (TMI HERE) so i go back on Friday around 11:30 to see if it got any thinner, which she is hoping for.. as am i. so we'll be doing the post coital test again on Friday (if you want more detail info, just google it bc i dont want to go into details on what they do and what they check-lol)

I trust in God and that He knows what He is doing :)

Ummm heck no.

Well, i got my Injections on Friday and all i gotta say is heck no! haha. Im hoping i can trigger on Wed so that way my nurse can give me the shot :) I have my follicle scan on Wed at 11:30 and the post coital test that day as well. We'll see. Im very anxious and very excited to see what God is going to do in our lives this month!! I am MUCH MUCH calmer this time around-so we'll see.

I want to do somthing good for people, id really like to start a group in Ashe County for infertility and child loss. i dont know how though. Hmm. Its just a desire i guess. There are SOOOO many people that i know of personally who have gone, are going through or will go through infertility. there are so many women who are also having numerous losses-or just one. we all are in this boat together, bc i found out that one miscarriage makes you "infertile". so i dont know. We'll see what i decide to do. Some people dont like to talk about it to others, and like to keep to themselves, so i dont know. i dont want to put anyone in a bad position-ya know?

On another note, i decided to get creative and make curtains out of placemats. haha (not the plastic ones) they are the cloth ones and just small like a valance. they arent done yet, but i will post a pic when they are :)

God's Plan

Good Plans

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11

However your infertility is resolved, God has promised all of us some things. Lo, I am with you always...With you when the pregnancy test is negative, when everyone you know has children, when well meaning people offer stupid advice. He’s also there cheering with you in the good times when unbelievably there are two beautiful pink lines instead of just one, when the thought of throwing up actually thrills you to death! Psalm 126:5 says Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting. Notice it does not say, “Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting, but only when their prayers are answered exactly as they planned.” He promises to be with us through pleasure and pain, through infertility, pregnancies, miscarriages, adoptions, good times and bad. The Lord took note of Sarah and did for her what He promised. He’ll do for you what He’s promised. Period.

Jeremiah 29:11 says, For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (NIV) God placed within you baby hunger. He knows at this moment how it will resolve. He knows if you’re pregnant as you sit there and you just don’t realize it yet. He knows if you will conceive but it’s not the appointed time yet. He knows if you will adopt and, if so, He knows which child and exactly what that child is doing right now. He knows if you’ll never conceive. He knows the plan He has for your life and His plan is good. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.

But God, how can my life and my future be good and complete until I have a baby? How in the world can it be good at all if I never have a baby? Remember what God said to Sarah when she doubted Him? Is anything too difficult for the Lord? Trust Him today--right now. Perhaps you’ve never had to trust Him the way you have to now. Trust Him with your heart, your body, your relationships, and your family. Trust Him with your emotions. Trust Him with your future.

Devotional

Where Is Your Faith?

37And there arose a fierce gale of wind, and the waves were breaking over the boat so much that the boat was already filling up.
38Jesus Himself was in the stern, asleep on the cushion; and they woke Him and said to Him, "Teacher, do You not care that we are perishing?"
39And He got up and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, "Hush, be still." And the wind died down and it became perfectly calm.
Mark 4:37-39

I love a good storm! One of my favorite things to do is to watch a storm howl the crashing waves of an ocean! Give me thunder and lightening! Nothing better than wind whipping your hair in a thousand different directions at once! I’m sure my story would change if I were out in the middle of the water in a little fishing boat, but standing on the balcony of my hotel, I love it!
The disciples didn’t have too many balconies to stand on. Nope. They were right out there, smack dab in the middle of the storms. They were fishermen and they were well accustomed to battling a sudden storm, but this one was quite intense. Everyone manned their stations as they all tried to bring their vessel safely to shore.
Everyone but Jesus.

Where was Jesus? He was asleep! The waves that terrified the disciples literally rocked the Master to sleep! The howling of the storm became His lullaby and the Creator of Heaven and earth rested His holy head on a pillow and went to sleep! Jesus never did anything half-way, so why would you think He only dozed? Maybe He snored and maybe He even slobbered, but I believe Jesus was out like a light! Do you think He dreamed? Perhaps He dreamt of going back to His Father’s house. Maybe His eyes danced beneath slumbering eyelids as He dreamt of the day He’d reunite you and your baby there. Whatever the case was, He simply didn’t worry about the storm.

As they shook their heads trying to gain focus and wiped the water out of their eyes, someone must have stomped over to Jesus, woke Him up and said “Don’t you care if we perish out here? Save us, Jesus! We’re about to drown! Why don’t you care?”

Are you beginning to feel a connection with these rain-soaked sailors? Crying out to a silent sky, begging God to breathe life into your womb is a terrifying experience. As you stand drenched in the storm of frustration and sorrow, grab the side of the boat and hang on. The Master of the Sea just woke up!

I think it’s very interesting that we don’t know who actually woke Jesus up. All three accounts of this story in Scripture say “they came to Him…” or “they woke Him…” Hey, I don’t blame them! Would you want your name to go down in history as the one who woke up Jesus and told Him that you didn’t think He cared enough to save you? I wonder what “they” thought when they stood at Calvary?

Without argument and without delay, Jesus simply got up, looked out over the howling storm, rebuked the winds and said to the sea: “Peace, be still.” (Mark 4:39 KJV) I would love to have been there! Okay, I wouldn’t necessarily want to be thrown from one end of the craft to the other as the storm raged, but I would love to have been there when the storm abruptly ceased! Can you picture it? The waves that were throwing their boat up in the air like a cat tossing a toy are suddenly as quiet and still as glass! The wind that cut through them like a knife is no more. They push their hair out of their eyes and with mouths hanging open take in the expression on Jesus’ face. The howling of the wind has given way to the sound of men gasping in astonishment as they realize the storm is gone. Jesus looks at them and simply asks them, “Where is your faith?” Rain-soaked friend, I ask you the same. Where is your faith?

Is your faith in the hands of the doctors? In spite of training and technology, there are times when medicine fails. Is your faith in money? Money tends to run out, you know. Is your faith in the relationships you’ve forged with others? Precious though they are, some relationships are strained to the breaking point as they weather the storm of infertility or loss. If your faith is anywhere else besides in the Son of God, your faith will fail you. Even if you have placed your faith in your “religion” it may fall. People are fallible. God and His Word are not.

God is trustworthy and He will never abuse your faith or fall short of what He has promised.

mini update

I got an email from my fert nurse and she scheduled my apointment for cd 13, i have a follie scan and the post coital test that day too. so 2 birds w/ one stone. I hate seeing her after i email her and get on her nerves-HAHA. dh says its her job and she's used to it-we'll see. We might even have to make a mini trip out of it. We might have to stay in a hotel. I asked about the iui and the costs-here is what she said : The price of insemination is $360-. You will also have an ultrasound, $145-, and labs, $130-.Then you have the cost of your medications, femara and HCG injection. Hmmm.. we've got the money for that :) I also got a call from the pharmacy, Ascend Pharmacy, and my trigger will be about $45. so that's not too bad (did i say that already-lol) so we'll see. im nervous about the post coital test bc im certain it will be bad but we'll see. We'll see what GOd will do this month :)

Im just ready to get on w/ things. so i will be going May 6th.

WOW

Wow, i just realised its been a while. Nothing new has been going on, but still. lol.

I did get my "monthly" so i am not pregnant this month. I will be doing another month of 7.5mg of femara along w/ more tests (bleh!) and then if May doesnt work, we will be doing IUI in June (I think) Im really really praying that God is going to bless us in May. We will get our Superbowl baby :) ( I decided that im going to get pg and my baby will be due on superbowl sunday and the titans will be playing so travis wont get to watch it-lol) I know its ALL in His hands now, so i have no control.

I will start my meds Sun and then go to Winston in about 2 weeks. We'll see. I know i need better faith, and one of my friends told me that maybe God is trying to teach me patience. Yes, i KNOW im being taught patience-lol. Travis has great faith and is sooo positive. I need some if his faith :)

I will NOT be obssessing this month, so maybe that will help. I need to be more laid back and realise i AM NOT in control-ugh! lol.

I will update ya'll as i go on.

Devotional-Good Friday

Your weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning!
Isaiah 61:3



How good is this “Good Friday” for you?
While the whole world dons new Easter outfits, you find yourself wrapped in different garments. Garments of frustration. Garments of despair. What’s so good about “Good Friday”?
As you examine your own situation, ponder that first, most important, Easter weekend.
Perhaps you are like the disciples were that day. Can you imagine their thoughts? Of course you can. “How can this be happening? How can I possibly surrender the one I love to death? How can I go on without Him? Why couldn’t things have worked out another way?”
The hearts of the disciples broke as they found themselves wrapped in the garment of tears, sewn for them by sorrow’s hand. You may know the feeling. The knot in the back of your throat that chokes your words and fills your mouth with sobs before you even know what happened. Can you relate to these broken men? What was so good about their “Good Friday”? What’s so good about yours?

If we could only reach back in time to tell the disciples to hold on! The greatest tragedy they had ever witnessed was actually the central event of mankind!

Perhaps you are more like the women who went to the tomb to take care of Jesus’ body. Perhaps you are waiting for life to spring forth from a dead womb. The garments of confusion must have nearly choked the life out of them. They searched for life in a tomb. You search for life in a womb. They knew what waiting felt like. So do you! Don’t you know that each step they took toward the tomb that day must have felt like a mile. Just like every month you wait for that baby feels like a year.

Oh, if we could reach back in time and speak to them! A miracle is coming, Martha! Don’t give up! Hold on to your hope, Mary! Things haven’t happened the way you had planned, but you’re gonna love what God is doing!

Before many days passed, things were going to change! These heartbroken, confused men and women would see Jesus triumph over death, hell and the grave! Before many days passed, they would peer gap-jawed into a tomb emptied by the resurrection power of God! Before many days passed, they would see the scars in His hand, feet and side. Before many days passed, He would stand before them, and everything would make sense.

They just had to get through “Good Friday”.

I wonder how many times the angels assigned to their care must have whispered the words God whispered to David’s soul: weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning! (Psalm 30:5). Maybe they heard the angels whispering as leaves were blown along the ground when they sat up all night, confused and heartsick. Another tear fell. Your weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning! Another hour passed, another question unanswered. Your weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning!

When that first Easter Sunday morning finally came, the whole world was changed. Death was conquered! Satan whimpered in defeat! The Son of God really was who He said He was!
As you face your own “Good Friday”, tune your ear to the conversation in the heavenlies. Your weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning! Another period starts. More questions unanswered. Your weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning! Another loss. Another diagnosis. Your weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning! What seems to be your greatest tragedy, may just be the greatest opportunity for God to show Himself strong in your life. Just hold on! Sunday morning is coming!

God hasn’t forgotten your story. He knows when your Sunday will come, and He knows just how to bring that joy to you. Perhaps joy will come wrapped in a baby blanket. Perhaps joy will blanket you with peaceful resolution. He knows that joy will come in your morning. He knows His Son died on Good Friday to make provision for you to spend eternity with Him.

That makes Good Friday really, really good.

Dr Update

Hello. I just wanted to give an update about my dr apointment that i had yesterday, Thur. Well.. i got my ultrasound and the first thing she checked was my uterine lining. it was great at 9.9mm (almost 10mm) so that's really good :) I also only had one follicle on the right :( ugh. i was hoping for more than one. but a "normal" woman only gets one per month anyways... so maybe im becoming normal-lol. I dont remember the exact size, but i think it was around 20 somthing mm. I had some smaller ones on the left and right as well.. she said that there could be a possibility for them to mature and release in time. i dunno though. the right side is the side that dr webb, in boone, thought was blocked when they did the hsg test. but my dr in winston, dr parker, said it was just an air bubble. so im hoping dr parker is correct :) Anyways, i got my trigger shot in my arm and now im just waiting for my Easter blessing :)

I hope that you have a great Easter and remember, that the Lord died for all of us that we might have life :) Its going to be a GREAT month!!! travis is sooo positive, so i need to be as well.

Thanks for ALL your thoughts and prayers and i will keep ya posted ;)

Devotional

The Thorny Path of Infertility
Proverbs 3:5-6


Imagine with me that infertility is really a journey. You stand at the beginning of a path and when you walk to the end of the path, your issues will be resolved. What does this path look like? What will it take to get to the end?
There are many twists and turns. You cannot see if you are at the beginning or nearing the end. You just know you cannot get off this path. You must follow it until it ends.
Look down by your feet. What do you see? You see thorns all around you. Thorns on the right side of the path, thorns on the left side. You see them all alongside the path behind you, and all alongside the path in front of you. If you step on one, the injury would cause great pain and make it harder for you to continue on your journey.
But look! There’s a shortcut! That path has flowers instead of thorns! The only problem is that you must walk through the thorns to reach that path. Oh, the pain those thorns would cause. Is it worth it?
There are so many questions, so many “what if’s” along the path to potential parenthood. Each one is like a thorn in the way.
What if I go the wrong way? What if I get lost? What if I can’t find my way out of the woods?
What if I choose the wrong treatment? What if our savings is lost? What if I can’t find my way back to God after the way I’ve spoken to or about Him? What if there is an adopted child out there to whom I cannot find my way? What if we consent to IVF and it fails? What if my marriage fails? What if there is another diagnosis? What if my husband says ‘no more’? What if I conceive and lose a child? What if we make the wrong choice as to whether to go to a doctor or not? What if…? What if…? What if?
The burden of making so many life-changing decisions in the midst of such stress can be so overwhelming! You gather as much information as you possibly can, yet you still cannot understand the medical jargon or even the financial statements. The pressure is mounting!
You desperately need a guide down this path. Sometimes it is easy to see which way to turn. Other times the thorns are hidden among the foliage and they catch you by surprise. Who can help you navigate this unknown territory?
Let’s go to the third chapter of Proverbs. (KJV)
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.
Proverbs 3:5-6
Don’t understand exactly what you’re supposed to do? Here’s the good news. You don’t have to! In fact, God tells you not to! Don’t trust in your own understanding. Remember that there are times when your understanding of a situation is not accurate!
Trust God! Trust Him with all your heart! Trust Him with your future, with your body, with your family. He’ll direct you down this path of infertility.

Happy Birthday Travis!!!

Today is my hunny's bday :) He is 25 today!!! We are just hanging around my parents house, not doing much. Im going to attempt to make him a cake that is shaped like a football. i was going to make it last night, but it takes an hr to bake! dang!!!

I appreciate my dear husband sooo much and he's been there for me through EVERYTHING! he is the best husband, and so so supportive. He has been very good through this whole infertility stuff. God has blessed w/ me such a great man, and we've had a great 8 years w/ eachother!! (wow, 8 years together :) )

Please pray for one of my dear friends, she just found out that her beta numbers from her pregnancy arent doubling, and she will miscarry. I know she is at peace w/ it all... but pray that God will give her the courage and strength to carry on. Thank you :)

Have a very blessed day!!

God's Perfect Timing..

** this was in my devotional today that i get in my email inbox***

God’s Perfect Timing

Then the LORD took note of Sarah as He had said, and the LORD did for Sarah as He had promised. So Sarah conceived and bore a son to Abraham in his old age, at the appointed time of which God had spoken to him.Genesis 21:1-2

Is anything too difficult for the Lord? Is the creation of a child in a barren womb too hard for God? No! Is the adoption of a parentless child to the specifically predestined family too hard for God? No! Is a fulfilled, contented happy life without children too hard for God? No! Is peace for the childless couple too hard for God? No! Is God receiving glory through this difficult experience too difficult for God? No!


When Sarah heard the Lord say that she would conceive a child in her old age, she laughed and then denied it when confronted. Why? She was afraid--probably afraid that she had been caught and may have feared the consequences. We all get afraid through our infertility: afraid of the toll on our marriage, relationships with friends and family, afraid of dying a lonely old person with no children or grandchildren, afraid of missing out on the joys of pregnancy or parenting. If fear haunts you, maybe you feel a little like Sarah did. Fear rises when the end of the cycle looms, so we laugh and pretend everything is okay. “Okay, so it didn’t work this month. That’s fine. We have a trip planned anyway. I wouldn’t want to be sick over the holidays.” All the while the fear of holding your child only in your hearts and not in your arms grips you tighter and tighter.


Jump over to Genesis 21:1-2. The time had come. Sarah’s barren womb was about to spring to life! The Lord took note of Sarah as He had said and the Lord did for Sarah as He had promised. God gave them Isaac at the appointed time. This is such a beautiful example of God’s ultimate wisdom. He knew the absolute, exact time that Isaac needed to be conceived. Not one day early, not even one month too late.
But Sarah was 90! Wasn’t that too late? Not even one millisecond! God knew exactly what child would be conceived each and every cycle. He knew exactly when to allow conception to occur to achieve His perfect plan. Through Abraham and Isaac’s lineage came the earthly family of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Look at the people affected by Isaac! What if he had been born to Abraham and Sarah in their 20s and 30s when they probably felt he should have been? That child would not have been the same person! Everything would have been different!


Perhaps that’s what God is waiting on with you and your family. Perhaps He’s waiting on just the right time to bring just the right child into your womb. Perhaps He’s waiting for just the right adoption to go through to bring just the exact child He has planned for you to love, nurture and raise in your heritage. Perhaps He’s waiting until just the right time to give you the peace you need to know that its okay to stop trying. Whatever His plan, as He reveals to you what you need, you can rest in the assurance that His plans are perfect, His timing is impeccable, and His heart and love for you are unfathomable

April 9th

April 9th is when i go to lyndhurst again for my midcycle ultrasound. I will be on cycle day 13 that day and i will get an ultrasound to see how many follicles i will have :) PRAY for LARGE and MANY follicles :) I want my baby this month!! HAHA. No, seriously-please keep us in your prayers. I had a very rough time starting things this month :( I will start my Femara/Letrozole tonight and then i will go on that date and get a shot :) We'll see what God decides to do and how many Easter "Eggs" I will have :)

Well....

Well, i guess this month wasnt the time for God to say "Yes, they get a baby this month". He has other plans for us :) That wasnt okay with me at first, but i guess it has to be now :( We'll see what He has in store for us next month.

I emailed my nurse and asked about an IUI and about injections. I know that the Femara is working, but sometimes you need just a little more. I also asked about the post coital test that they had told me about last time i was there. We'll see.

Thanks for your constant prayers and support and i appreciate it. Please keep them coming. God hears them all :)

My blood work update...

So today i went in for bloodwork, at 8:30am. (Travis & I stayed the night in a horrible horrible hotel) and they drew it and we came back home. Since ive had the flu, i stayed at home from work so i could get better.. bleh.

Anyways, the nurse called and said my progesterone levels were excellent! they were 28.6 and the nurse said anything over 15 was ovulating!! YAY. my levels have never ever been this high (even w/ the trigger shot) so im very excited about that!!!

OKAY-from here on out though NO MORE BABY UPDATES!! If we get pregnant we want to keep that a surprise at least until i have a dr apointment. I will TRY to keep it under wraps until then :) lol. So.. no more dr talk or anything-this is a new blog... haha.

I cant catch a break....

Well.. after having a cough and sore throat since Wed i decided to go to Dr and low and behold... i have the dang flu!!! ugh! the dr couldnt give me any flu meds bc it would be a class C for prenancy and he didnt want to risk anything and prevent anything from happening. I should find out on April fools day if this cycle worked-haha. we'll see. Im to just stay home, drink lots of fluids and get lots of rest. bleh! i would do horrible on bedrest :( I go back to the dr on monday (the one in winston) to get my progesterone levels checked and to see if i did actually ovulate. which im 100% sure i did-but we'll see exactly how high the levels are. if they are low... then i will get a supplement.

So that's me in a nutshell. Prayers would be MUCH appreciated that things will still be okay in my womb and that the baby will implant and grow and my fever/flu wont hinder things :) Thanks.

Another dr update

Okay-dr apointment today. She scanned me and my lining was 13mm and my one follie was 34mm (i think that is a little big but she said its great!) and 24ish mm. I got my trigger in my arm and should ovulate in a couple of days. so we are well on our way to a baby-or twins-yay! lol. She did say that she was very hopeful that both follicles will release an egg-so that would increase my chances for twins very much. so im excited about that. ive been having such horrible pains in my ovaries today :( im hoping that means somthing good :) im just getting excited and nervous and anxious all at once.... Thanks for all the prayers-they mean soo much to me : ) I thought that i actually saw a 3rd follicle today on the same ovary as the 2 big ones, but im probably wrong-haha.

I will update you more as time goes on.

Dr Apointment Update :)

I wont have too much time.. but i wanted to let you know what the dr (well my nurse) said. I have 5 follicles total. 3 on the right (2 that are 11mm, and one that is 13mm) i had 2 on my left that were 23 (or 24) and 28mm. My lining was only 7.1mm and they like it to be 8mm. so they didnt give me the trigger. Im supposed to do opks tonight, tomorrow and sun.i take the one on sunday at 10am and then i call the nurse and let her know what it says... then im assuming i either go back or she will call in the trigger shot.. so we'll well on our way :) The nurse said that the 2 big follicles will drop eggs. so.. there is a HUGE possibilty that we will end up with 2 babies :) Thanks for ALL the prayers-i really really appreciate it!!

Nerves???

So... I have a dr apointment in Winston at 8:30am and man, my nerves are doing somthing wonderful-NOT! im sooo nervous.. i know its going to be good bc i have faith and know that God is doing good things in my ovaries (plus im having pretty bad ovary pains) and i WILL get blessed with my babies (yes, babies-plural-lol)

I wont be able to update my blog until Sun bc Travis, Jeremy, Heather & I will be in Greensboro until Sun. We are going to Acquire the Fire/Battle Cry. Im very excited to go.. .another reason im really excited is to see Travis :) He has been gone since Tue and ive missed him sooo bad!!!

Okay-im watching American Idol and all i do is cry!!! LOL i feel sooo bad for the blind guy bc he cant see what is going on :( It makes me feel bad for him-lol. (now Paula is crying-haha)

I will update everyone on Sun!

Follicle Scan Apointment? Check!

Hello. I just wanted to update you guys and let you know i have an apointment next Friday-eick, friday the 13th-for my follicle scan. In other words, i have an ultrasound next friday to see if the femara produced any good side follicles (the follicles is what houses the egg to be released) I produced pretty good sized ones the last time i was on femara so im hoping i do this time :) My apointment is at 8:30 in Winston so i will have to leave the house around 6 am! Oh my!!! i will meet travis in Greensboro afterwards and go on to the ATF where we will meet jeremy and heather... (okay, that means nothing for my infertility-lol)

I also started last night on Femara (the fertility drug) 7.5mg for days 3-7 (5 days) its not been bad so far, just makes me tired and have a terrible headache. but i know its all for the best :)

Travis leaves Tue to go to the techonology conference in Greenville, and i wont see him again until Friday in Greensboro :( So pray for me while he is gone, i hate being alone! lol.

Nothing else that is new :) Travis is in Greensboro as i write this bc the high school boys basketball team made it to the finals.. wow :)

That's all.. i will update as things progress!

Lucky #7???

Is 7 really a lucky number like people say??? Im getting ready to find out.. im starting my 7th month of fertility meds ( 2 years in the making) and we shall see :) On Wed i start the 7.5 mg of Letrozole and will take it for 5 days. Later on this week the nurse will call me back to schedule a midcycle ultrasound to see what things are doing in there :) I hope alot!!!! I will keep ya'll posted on what goes on.. but for right now, we pray... we pray really hard that this works bc im at my whits end here!!!! Thanks :)

last day of prometrium-YAY

sooo today is my last day of prometrium so i should get my period soon :) YAY! who knew id be so happy for that to happen-haha. I was supposed to take the med for 10 days, but was feeling so gross and sick and dizzy on it and i called my nurse and she said to just take it for 5 days and it should work just as good, so that makes me happy :) Then i call her and she's going to call me in a script for Femara to take for days 3-7 and set up an apointment for my cd 15 ultrasound-Lets pray that this works!!!!

Other than that, there isnt much going on. Travis and I booked our hotel for our trip this summer. He actually said he'd drive me down to myrtle beach-lol. (i dont do good in car rides at all!) so we're going to stay there from Wed-Sat (June 24-27) and then June 27 my long life friend Ashley is getting married in Fayettville.. YAY! I cant wait for this vacation since i need one so so bad!! (im hoping to be pg by then too and can really relax-lol)


No other things really going on. lol. we closed on our refinance loan, so we got some extra money-so i dont need to worry if trav doesnt work this summer, but we would still like for him to work, bc that's some more extra money and we can pay off some bills (which desperatly needs to be done!)

That's all :)

YAY dr apointment update :)

Okay-dr apointment. I went there, and they did an ultrasound, pg test and blood pressure (which was high bc i was nervous-lol) ultrasound was good.. my lining was thick, but not thick enough. pg test was neg (of course) umm.. im going to start promentrium (provera) tonight. and im going to take it for 10 days and then call when period comes. Okay then i go on like day 2 or so and get an ultrasound and script for femara (7.5mg) and im going to take that days 3-7 instead of 5-9 (dont know why-lol) Then im going to go back on cd 14 (or 15) and get a post coital test (which is a test to see how travs sperm does in my cervical mucus and if my mucus kills his stuff-they can also tell how many of trav's sperm are living) and to see how many follies i get. he said since i did great w/ the last cycles of femara-then he will just leave me on that. (which is fine w/ me and its cheaper!) he said we will do about another 3-4 months of femara (since i took the 5 month break then its fine) and if that doesnt work then we'll move on to injections. he didnt want to do the injections 1) bc of the pcos-the chances of overstimulating increase and 2) bc i had 3 big follies last time on just the femara. (which sounds resonable to me) IF the post coital test comes back bad then we will do iui in april along w/ femara. Also, with the femara im going to get the hcg trigger and then that should make my follies release the eggs. OH! also he said that my right tube didnt look blocked, it looked like an air pocket at the opening of my tube ( the air pocket was a big white circle) and he saw some dye actually spilling into the tube (at the opening) and as it progressed, the air pocket moved into the tube, and blocked the dye from going all the way. sounded good to me.Hmmm.. my A1C was great and didnt signal diabetes. My prolactin levels went back down to .4 (that's POINT 4) and it was 35 before.. so that's good. My insulin was still a litle high but im to stay on the dostinex and metformin. He said to be patient (HA! did he know who he was talking to?? lol) Travis really liked him and even thinks we should name our baby after him -lol. his name is dr parker (trav liked the name parker-from our list)I think that's all to tell :) I dont know what else. I just wait for my period now.

Rescue Me Jesus...

We went to the WinterJam with our youth group last night and it was GREAT! God was sooo good and all the kids we took either got rededicated or saved for the first time :) I was sooo moved by that. The song i liked the best was "Rescue" by Newsong. Here are the lyrics:
I can't be left behind
No one else will do
I will take hold of You I need You,
Jesus Come to my rescue Where else could I go?
There’s no other name by which I am saved
Capture me with grace
I will follow You

My heart is Yours for life
I need Your hand in mine
No one else will do
Lord, I put my trust in You

I need You Jesus Come to my rescue
Where else could I go?
There’s no other name by which I am saved
Oh capture me with grace
I will follow You

This world has nothing for me
This world has nothing for me
This world has nothing for me
(I will follow You)
This world has nothing for me
I need You Jesus
Come to my rescue
Where else could I go?
There’s no other name by which I am saved

Capture me with grace
I will follow You
Oh I need You Jesus
To come to my rescue
Where else could I go?
There’s no other name by which I am saved
Capture me with grace
Won't You Capture me with grace I will follow You
I will follow You This world has nothing for me
This world has nothing for me

The Broken Clock

A Broken Clock

Be still, and know that I am God;Psalm 46:10

In my office, it is always 5:30. Never 2:15. Never 8:04.
It is always 5:30.
There is a broken clock in my office. People have such different reactions to it! Some look at it with a quizzical look on their faces. Others offer to fix it for us, but we always politely decline.

You see, our clock is broken on purpose. We took a perfectly good, functioning clock, broke it and hung it on our wall. What a huge blessing!

You see, that broken clock is a reminder of the perfection of God’s timing.

At first glance, it appears that the broken clock is worthless. The hands never move. It looks like nothing good is happening. But glance down at the bottom of the clock. The pendulum is still moving. Swinging left. Swinging right. The pendulum never stops.

In the dark days of waiting through your struggle with infertility, it feels like God’s plan for your family has ground to a halt.
No explanations from the medical community.
No prophetic utterances promising that long-sought after child.
Even in the silence of infertility, listen to the ticking of a broken clock.

God, like that pendulum, is still working and moving.
When it seems like nothing is happening, the pendulum of God’s timing is still swinging.
Buy a clock, break it and proudly hang it on your wall.
Let it serve as a reminder of the perfection of God’s timing.

(c) 2009 Sarah’s Laughter-Christian Support for Infertility & Child Loss

Dr Apointment Update

Good evening. I just got home, well not even home-im at my parents house. We got home around 2:30 (keep in mind my apointment was 10:00-2 hrs away.) i went to work at 3 and then went to eat dinner at 6 and then to the movies at 7 (to see pink panther-pretty funny) now we're here at my parents and im sooo sleepy though!!! Okay-now about the dr apointment. I really like the nurse i spoke with. she is very nice and said-We WILL get you pregnant! lol. She discussed my history and what id like to do and then she told me about a clinical trial. its for a patch instead of the injections. im all for it, BUT id have 10 apointments in 30 days and i have to travel 2 hrs away.. miss work.. and use gas. they pay you $500 but its not worth it to me. You may or may not get the placebo... so i dont know. She did blood work bc she was upset that the old RE didnt redo the prolactin after putting me on meds for it. (which is understandable) she also wanted to check everything else since its been a while... which is fine. she did an internal ultrasound and said that the "cysts" dont look like cysts to her. she said that my ovaries looked multi follicular.. whatever that meant-lol. she said cysts are usually all under 5mm.. and are in a ring arond the ovary (like a pearl necklace) mine are all about 7-8mm and are scattered. so she thinks that they are follies that just dont grow-which is def possible. i also had a 14mm follie on my right ovary (The one w/ the blocked tube) i said, well.. my tube is blocked so it doesnt matter and she told me that the left tube can catch the egg!!! i didnt know that! wow :) lol. Also, i asked about my progesterone levels.. and she said that i got them tested on the wrong dates. she said i got them tested on cd 21 and not 7dpo like i should have been doing (which is truth) she said that if i were to have gotten them checked at 7dpo then they would have been at good levels.. hmm. she was getting very mad at the other drs. She told me more about that trial and if i wanted to do it or not.. i told her id talk to travis about it. i dont think im going to do it though. I will just like to move on with things. lol. I will then be doing either a higher dose of femara and an added drug w/ that (she didnt say which) or injections. we'll see what dr parker says 2 weeks from now. (my next apt is Feb 23) She is supposed to call w/ the test results and im going to tell her my decision about the trial and to see if travis needs to come for the repeat SA. she said my bmi was just right (bc im big boned-lol) and there wasnt a problem w/ trav's SA. just the motility and that was most likely due to the fever, but dr parker may want to re-order one. I forgot to ask about the meds and the prior approval stuff. i guess i will see what dr parker wants to put me on first. i dunno. Well, that's me in a nutshell :)

Song of Inspriation to me

Sometimes your calling, comes in dream
Sometimes in comes in the Spirit's breeze,
You reach for the deepest hope in me,
And call out for the things of eternity.
But I'm a man, of dust and stains,
You move in me, so I can say,
CHORUS:Here I am, Lord send me,
All of my life, I make an offering,
Here I am, Lord send me,
Somehow my story, Is part of your plan,Here I am

When setbacks and failures, and upset plans,
Test my faith and leave me with empty hands,
Are you not the closest when it's hardest to stand?
I know that you will finish what you began.
These broken parts you redeem,
Become the song, that I can sing

Here I am, Lord send me,
All of my life, I make an offering,
Here I am, Lord send me,
Somehow my story, Is part of your plan,
Here I am

Overwhelmed by the thought of my weakness,
And the fear that I'll fail you in the end,
In this mess, I'm just one of the pieces,
I can't put this together but you can.

Here I am, Lord send me,I wanna live my life as an offering
Here I am, Lord send me,
Somehow my story, Is part of your plan,
Here I am

Here I am,
my life an offering to you,
to you
Somehow my story, Is part of your plan,
Here I am

Devotional

Guys.. i wanted to share somthing with you. let me find it-lol.

I read this in my devotion book-the title of the chapter is called when the answer is no.
what does God say we should do when He answers with "No"?

When heartbreak sends us reeling, does the Bible offer any instruction? The Bible tells us to praise Him. We may not feel thankful for our situation, but we can express our thanks for what God can do through it. God has no troublel working miralces in unexpected ways and at unlikely moments.

Just as we know God exists, even when all the evidence of our lives seems to point the other way, so we know God can grant us a child even when all the evidence runs contrary to that possibility. God loves to give us incredible glimpses into His nature when the line breaks between what we want and what He has chosen to provide.
Second, the Bible instructs us to pour out our hearts to God, telling Him everything, even our shameful thoughts of discouragment and doubt. Isaiah 30:26 promises that "the Lord binds up the bruises of his people and heals the wound he inflicted"

Finally, we are called once more to wait. God promises us that we will not mourn forever. Every greif has its season, and it will pass as surely as snow melts into spring. Of course, God may also allow us to weep for a night, a time so blackened with tears, envy, rage, and disappointment that we feel almost engulfed. But God promises that a moring of rejoycing lies ahead, a sweet dawn of unexpectedly tender mercies and blessed deliverance.

Prayer: Lord, when your answer is no, it crushes us. We often plunge into a night of bitter grief and tears. but you have more planned for us just ahead, a bright morning of rejoicing. When we see nothing to rejoice over, remind us that we have no yet reached the end of our journey, even if your answer today is no. You are leading us into a new place, a place we could never have imagined before we began our pursuit of parenthood. Help us to trust you, to want to be where you lead! help us to trust you with the bitter disaapointments and the lonely silences, and help us to believe you will yet give us a reason to rejoice.

sorry that was so long. i didnt realise it though-oops. i hope that it gives ya'll some insight. I love this book. its called moments for couples who long for children :) its good.

Results

Good things.. bad things.. what is to come out of all of this??

Today my hsg results came out good and they came out bad... Good bc i have one open tube, bad bc i have a blocked one :( My right side is blocked... completly. It hurt really bad during the procedure and the GYN said that is probably bc my left side had some blockages and that the dye unblocked it :) Soooo that's a good thing. I was very upset afterwards, i had my good cry... went into denial.. cried some more... prayed some. and then now im in shock. what are the stages of greif again? lol. If youre interested in seeing what my hsg results look like-here is an example.. these ARE NOT Mine... http://64.143.176.9/library/healthguide/en-us/support/topic.asp?hwid=zm6047 My UTERUS looks like the first pic... but my tubes look like the second (Except reversed bc my right is blocked) My GYN said that most likely the fert dr will do the injections and the iui... so we'll see. I go on Feb 9 and im just waiting... waiting on God to work His miralces :) So please continue to pray for us :)

HSG scheduled

My HSG test is being done on Tue at 12:00. Please be praying... im really nervous. I know that this ALL is in God's hands and He will watch over us :) Thanks

Our house will also be appraised Tue afternoon :)

YES!!!!

YES! My period has finally come :) Who knew id be so excited as to see it! lol. I will be scheduling my HSG for sometime next week so that means things are on a roll :)

Our house will also be appraised sometime at the begining of the week so we can do our refinancing and we will save about $300 a month! AMEN! lol.

We will be busy cleaning and getting everything ready for that-so we'll see how things go. I will have to post pics when im done.

Poem

This is a poem someone sent to me a year or 2 ago. I found it gave me strength at times when I needed it.
I Will Be A Wonderful Mother - By: Author Unknown


There are women who become mothers without effort,without thought,without patience or loss, and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics or money or because I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited.

I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore, and discover.

I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.

My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body.

I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.

I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

Hmmm Just a thought

Travis and I have been thinking about doing Foster Care. I really would like to do it one day, incase we ever have to adopt... we'd be one step closer. But i dont know. We will probably take the class, and get prepared but not accept a child until we have our own. I know that may sound selfish but we just cant get a child and know that there would be a great possibility that we could have more than one child. It'd be too hard for us.. and we cant say-sorry, send that child to another home.

We'll see. We will continue to pray about it and see where God leads us :)

Other than that-nothing else. Im VERY nervous about 2 apointments coming up and cant wait to get started on what is next :) Keep us in your prayers!

Dr Update!!!

Well, i tested this morn and it was negative (of course) so i started the provera today and will take it for 10 days. then when i get my period i will go on my 5th day to get the hsg done. So that is that plan. Well, come to find out-there are 3 other people off the calendar at work and that isnt allowed! i had my apointment first and i knew no one would move theirs, so i called to see if they had like a day or 2 sooner. well they had feb 4th. so i called travis and he said-yeah, go for it.. its just w/ the nurse. so i made my apt for feb 4th. well, i was working (about 3 hrs later) and the receptionist calls back and said that she made my apointment w/ the wrong nurse-lol. so she said how about feb 9. so i said okay.. then she goes on to say since its a fert apointment i need to make my apointment w/ the RE 2 weeks after my apointment w/ the fertility nurse.... so... my apt w/ the RE is now Feb 23. so i go feb 9th and feb 23. lol. yay for me:) and it was totally not planned to go that early-but travis said its okay. so that's my new apointment schedule. lol so i have a gyn apt Jan 27, a dentist apt Feb 4, a nurse apt Feb 9 and a RE apt Feb 23. and sometime in there an apt for the hsg. LOL. im busy now (thank you God!) lol

PMS for a week and half!!!?!?!?

Now, who ever invented the phrase PMS doesnt really know what it means. It means pre-menstrual syndrome-PRE! Pre means before, well.. a couple days before but not a WEEK and a HALF!!!! ugh!!! lol. I mean, i have been soooooo grouchy. My poor Travis! So now im just waiting for my dreaded period to come

As for other news, nothing really. We got some good snow for the past few days and school has been cancelled so our numbers at daycare were low... but still CRAZY!!! God, give me the courage and strength to make it through :)

Since having infertility and pcos, i look at people differently... ya know? I mean, i see these teenagers who are pg w/ like their 2nd or 3rd.. or even 4th baby! that just aggrivates me and i know it shouldnt. These people are YOUNGER than me, dont even WANT a baby, cant even TAKE CARE of a baby-so why cant i have one. Im old enough, i want one and i CAN take care of one :) We'll see.. I need to be patient and know that God is taking care of us :)

Happy Birthday Bob!

We had a party today for my brother Bobby :) it was a very fun day! We played alot of games, ate taco salad and ate cake. It was great!! We had alot of people there (well, not a ton but quit a few) I cant believe that my little brother is 22 now!!! (heck, i cant believe i'll be 25 in June!!) It was a nice night though-kept my mind off of alot of things that i needed to not think about ;)

So.. that is how we spent the weekend-well Sunday at least-lol. We didnt do anything yesterday really (at least i dont remember-haha)

Oh!

Oh.. i was going to post my results from my medical records so that everyone can see how my hormones are screwed up-lol.

LH: 4.1 (4-10 is normal)
FSH: 5.0 (5-10 is normal)
TSH: 1.47 (.4-4.0 is normal)
PRL: (prolactin) 32.4 (3-20 is normal) thats why im on meds for it.
DHEAS: 225 (35-430 is normal)
TESTOS: 44 (total testosterone) (60-130 is normal) so i guess mine is low?
SHBG: 16 (18-114 is normal)
FAI: 9.534 (normal is 3-10)
INS: 18 (normal 1.4-14) again, thats why im on metformin.

Cycle 1: Femara 7.5mg on cd's 5-9 resulted in 2 follicles sized 18mm and 19mm
Cycle 2: Femara 7.5mg on cd's 5-9 resulted in 2 follicles sized 27mm and 28mm and hcg trigger shot
Cycle 3: Femara 7.5mg on cd's 5-9 resulted in 3 follicles sized 18mm, 19mm and 23mm and hcg trigger shot.

Soo.. all 3 cycles resulted in nothing. We'll keep praying and keep going :)

My thoughts for today

I guess i am too stressed. I think too much. I dont know why-lol.

I have been thinking alot of what ifs...

What if i never get pg
What if the hsg comes back bad
What if we go broke getting a baby.

just stuff like that.

Ive been thinking alot about taxes lately for some reason-lol. I dont know why. I am trying to decide if i want to itemize or not. if anyone can give me tips on that-let me know bc i really dont know what that means-lol.

God knows why im made like this-crazy-so i just have to trust that it will all be okay :)

I cant believe the winter holidays are over, and now we dont get off of work until April!!! ugh. Hopefully in April i will be hearing some really good news that i can share w/ everyone :)

Thats all.. nothing else.