New year, new hope??

Maybe.

I think 2011 will be a very exciting year for Travis and I. We already have great plans in the making.

Travis will continue his other job at Wilkes teaching his night class, and hopefully he will get a job in updating the website for the Farmers Market. We are unsure about that yet.


We will start doing more things w/ the church as we learn and grow (as a big family) We will start meeting in groups, but Im not sure on what nights. Im excited to see what God has in store for us there :) The change has been a good one so far!

We will start doing the foster care classes in the spring, regardless of how things go. I think Id like to have a foster care liscense, whether or not we get pregnant. I think. ;-)

We already have thoughts for our trip this summer, but in order for us to do that, we need money. HAHA. that we dont have right now. I am thinking the beach, for sure. I loved pigeon forge and would love to go back, but I think a beach trip is what I need. Heck, id love to go to Maine, but i dont think that's in the cards for us :)

It will be a different year, but a great year. Hopefully with LESS heartache and more joyous occasions. We shall see.

I cant believe Travis and I will both be 27 this year, Im starting to feel old and Im sure my parents/grandparents are as well. Heck, even my siblings are starting to seem old. In just a few short days, Bobby (my brother) will be 24. See, just seems like yesterday I turned 24!

This will also be a great year, bc in March we will be together for 10 years :-) 10 WONDERFUL years w/ travis. We started dating on March 6, 2001.

In June we will be MARRIED for 5 years :) We got married on June 24, 2006. These 5 years have been the best ever!!!

but sadly, in June it will mark 4 years of us ttc (trying to conceive) God only knows why its taken this long, and we will just live day by day :)

That's about all Ive got coming up. I cant WAIT to see what He has in store for us this coming year, I just know it has to be a good one :)

uh... duh..

(those are the words that come to mind when I stare at this page-haha)

So... I know, I know, I have been a bad blogger. In all honsety-Idk what to write. I have sat here numerous times and just looked at this trying to think of what to type here.


And it came to me...

Its my blog, my thoughts, my rants, my wants, my hopes and my fears, so I can write whatever I dang well please :)


Soo... since Christmas is in a couple of days. I thought Id write about what my family is doing for Christmas/New Years this year.

For Christmas Eve Travis and I are going to his parents house and we eat a Brunch there. Then we are headed to church around 6 and do a communion service there. Then we head to my parents and we have a seafood dinner :) YUM. i cant wait!!! Then we head home. On Christmas day we are supposed to have breakfast at our house, but not if we dont get any propane before then(we are almost out-on the red) Then we will hang around the house a while and then off to my parents for Lasagna. :) YUM. The day after we do the Gilley Christmas get-together. It will be a fun, and tiring day.

This Christmas is a little harder for me. I have lost somthing very precious to me that I cant get back-i have lost my baby. I know that he is up in Heaven w/ God and just having a grand ol time w/ all his friends and causing tons of trouble. But I want my baby here on earth w/ me. I want him to be growing in me, bc that's where he was supposed to be. I know that God needed him more than I do-so I will have to just let that fact go... my baby is gone. (and no, I didnt know the gender of my baby-but I have always felt that I would have a boy first.)

Im praying hard for a Christmas/New Years miracle (hint hint), and our baby will be just that-a miracle. I know ALL babies are miracles, but ours will really be one. 1) I dont ovulate, 2)I have endometriosis, 3) I have a hostile cervix and that kills off all sperm that enter, 4) We have been trying for 4 years (almost) and have never gotten pregnant naturally-or "un-natural" for that matter. It will really be a true miracle from God if I were to get pregnant "on my own". and who knows how my body will handle a pregnancy.... we'll see and we will leave it all up to God when the time comes, if the time comes. But im really praying and trusting God for one. (hint hint)

We are still undecided about what to do next and when. We have enough meds for one more, and final, IUI so we might do that in the spring. We are also wanting to persue foster care/adoption.. so we might start those classes in the spring as well. right now, Im at the stage where "ah well, whatever happens,.., nothing has happend yet" that kind of stage. Lol. is there such a thing?? So just keep praying for us that our miracle will be brought to us in such a surprise that I wont even know how to contain myself but w/ prayer-and of course, TONS of tears! Lol.


Okay, I know you have read enough and heard enough of my rants, but like I said.. its my blog-I can say what I want and you can choose to read it or not. :)

My 2010....

2010 was a long and hard and trying year for us. It was also a great year of new and exciting things.

Lets see:

Jan: The start of 2010. IUI #3-failed

Feb: Femara stopped working... a break cycle.

March: Started on injections.
Went to Acquire the Fire
Applied for a new job

April went to my first Skillet concert :)
IUI #4 (back to back)-failed
Travis turned 26 (on Easter Sun)

May: First time EVER on birth control pills... hated them!

June: Turned 26
Celebrated 4 years marriage to Travis :)
MORE shots.
IUI #5-FAILED


July: Femara again-failed
Went to Pigeon Forge and stayed in a cabin for the first time.
Started thinking more and more about adoption
Started a garden

Aug: Injections-again.
First ever egg aspiration.
First time on any type of relaxation med-lol.
IUI #6-failed
Froze 3 eggs for future use.

Sept: Realized we had spent $10,000 in fert treatments *sigh*
Started on progesterone shots
started on estrogen patches, 2 diff kinds.
learned i had slow flowing blood
Never had I ever wanted to punch someone so much when I learned my cycle was messed up

Oct: hardest month of my life
NEVER did I think id experience such heartache, such pain, and such sadness
Thawed out my 3 eggs, and only 1 made it.
Lost my 1 embryo-my baby-on Oct 9, 2010.
Learned what it was like to have my heart ripped out and stomped on.
Learned to draw near to Travis and God.
Learned that Im strong enough and can move on... as hard as it may be.
National Pregnancy and Infant loss day-oct 15-never thought id "participate"
made a huge choice leaving mt Jefferson Baptist, but God needed us elsewhere
Learned who my TRUE friends are.

Nov: Thanksgiving
Provera month
Went to Pigeon Forge/Gatlinburg w/ friends from work.
Went to Dixie Stampede
Acid reflux started-lol

Dec: Went to Nashville
Tennessee Titans game
Country Music Hall of Fame
First big snow
3 and 1/2 years of trying for our miracle... hoping we get a Christmas one.


So that's 2010 in a nutshell.. maybe 2011 will be more interesting?? We shall see. That one is up to God ;-)

Just Because

Just because you work in a hospital doesnt make you a doctor..

just because you go to church, doesnt make you a pastor (or even a Christian at times)

Just because you drive a truck, doesnt make you a trucker...

Just because you read, doesnt make you a teacher..

Just because you are a waiter/waitress, doesnt make you a cook/chef...

Just because you are woman, doesnt make you a mother...

Just because I have no child, doesnt mean I have no life....

Just because Im done trying... doesnt mean I dont still hurt, still cry, still greive...

Just because I lost you... doesnt mean I will forget you.... i will always love you.

Just because I cant get pregnant... doesnt mean I will never be a parent...


Just because I hurt, I cry, I greive... does NOT mean I cant be happy, healthy, and full of life...


Just think about it.

Pigeon Forge/Gatlinburg

This weekend the gals and I went to pigeon forge/gatlinburg and had a great time!!! 3of us got there on Friday and 3 on Sat. We stayed at an awesome hotel, michelle's timeshare, and we even saw a bear! Lol. It was cool. We went to Dixie Stampede and shopping at the Tanger Outlets.

They made me watch a scary movie, the Strangers, I about had a heart attack! I do not watch scary movies! EICK.

Dixie Stampede was really cool and I was soo glad that I went. Since its around Christmas they did a Christmas show w/ live animals, a live nativity and everything. I really enjoyed it. and even ate the chicken! Lol

baby this... baby that...

Baby???


today got me thinking.

I am very excited to be working towards adoption/foster care. Of course we havent done much towards it but get the house together. We wont be attending the adoption seminar until Jan 8. I cant wait for it! lol.
We will start the foster care classes-MAPP training-in the spring when the weather gets warmer. Hopefully by the summer we will have a child in our home :)

What got me thinking today was that we got a babies r us card in the mail :) I was excited. HAHA. Yes, its a store card, but no-we will not be using it-unless we need to. I thought itd be a good one to have. ;-)

In the meantime, Im trying to decide if i want to do the final IUI in Jan or if i just want to let it go. on one hand I do... on the other i dont. I have the meds, we have the money to pay for the iui.


i have enjoyed not shooting myself daily w/ hormones...

I have enjoyed the working time and not the back and forth to the drs...

I have enjoyed LESS stress...

Idk what to do. We shall see how God provides in the next couple of months... bc Im darn excited!

Ouchie.... times 100!!!

i have been in pain in my stomach for about a week now. I have also had diarhea for about 2 weeks now. I finally went to the dr the other day and he suspected I had a bacterial infection.... I went back 2 days later for the tests and NOPE. No infections to be found. He put me on prilosec for acid reflux. I am to take it once a day for 6 weeks and after 6 weeks i can take it as needed. if it starts to hurt worse or doesnt get better, then they will test my gallbladder. We shall see.. I have just been sick to my stomach and it was just awful. I hate being sick to my stomach. and worse... Im tired. i cant sleep at night. I seem to be waking up at 3m everyday... that must be my new wake up time??? *sigh*.

Well, Im behind...

Well.. Im a little behind on my "Today Im Thankful" posts. Lol.

I have been having pains in my stomach and last night was the worst. Im not doubling over w/ pain... but its annoying pain-lol. It is gone as Im typing this. Depending on what I eat, it comes and goes. I am debating wether or not to go to the dr tomorrow... we shall see.

So today.. .Im thankful for....


tv... a comfy bed.... and books to read...


while im laid up in bed.

day 6

Today I am thankful for...


My friends.

I am greatful to have amazing friends who will be by my side no matter what. I have met a great deal of people online through chat rooms and message boards and they are just as good of friends, if not better, than my "in person" friends (not all of ya'll!) I thank God for the people He has put into my life, and back into my life after many of years. (You know who ya are!)

Everyone needs friends, esp women. We vent and complain alot and we need good friends who will be there to listen. Lol.

Thanks guys!

day 5

Today I am thankful for....

my house. Yes, it might be tiny and need work-but its our home. Its keeps us warm and safe, esp during this weather

Day ummm 4??

Today I am thankful for my family. Without them, I wouldnt be who I am today. I wouldnt have the love and support of a great family!! They have stood by my side no matter what and have loved me no matter what :) Thank you God for them!!

Day 3

Today I am thankful for....

my wonderful husband Travis Bennett. Its been a great 4 years and I love him more and more each day. We have been through alot together, and I thank God everyday for a Christian man to be by my side.

I know I am way more than any husband should handle. That I am extreme-LOL. He is sooo good to me and im sooo thankful :)

Day 2

Day 2

Today I am thankful for Gods plan in our lives.


Yes, we might have a plan for ourselves, and it may or may not work out that way. But be thankful and greatful knowing that God has a GREAT and WONDERFUL plan for you-and you just may not know it yet ;)

Giving up? or Moving On??

Either way you look at it, its hard.

Giving up- means letting go..

Moving on- means moving foward with a different dream...



It has been my dream as long as I can remember to be a mother. No, it was not my dream to be pregnant, to give birth and then be a mother. It was to be a mother.

No, Im techincally not giving up on my dream....Im just moving forward w/ my dream-to be a mother. I WILL be a mother... one way or the other. I will have my baby, one way or the other. God will bless us very soon-and Im thankful for that.

So.. No... Im not giving up.. Im moving on. Im moving forward.. .and I have new dreams now... new hopes.. new future.

Nov 1.... Day 1

Starting on Nov 1-until Thanksgiving... I will post daily-one thing that I am thankful for...



Today I am thankful for my salvation.

Im thankful that Jesus died on the cross for my sins, our sins, so that we might have everlasting life.

Im so greatful that I was saved many years ago... and that God has been with me and by my side everyday.

These past 3 and 1/2 yrs have been very hard on me, my husband, my family and on my faith. I feel that I have kept the faith and that God has stood by my side no matter what.

I thank God everyday for coming into my heart.

Daily Devotional

A Legal Precedent


Don’t you love to watch court battles on tv? From the moment the bad guy breaks in to someone’s house until the judge slams his gavel down an hour later and pronounces his sentence, you get to watch and throw in your two-cents worth. You may not know a lot about the law, but it’s kind of fun to become arm-chair forensic scientist/lawyer.


One thing that is always interesting as you watch a show like this is learning what the legal precedents are. The judicial system relies on previous court cases to serve as authoritative rule in making current decisions. If a similar case has been previously decided, legal precedence provides an example or authority for judges faces issues in their courts. Oh, if you only had precedence in dealing with your infertility.



Good news, friend. You do.


Do you realize that Scripture is full of stories of infertility? There is “infertility precedence” all through the Word of God. You can find story after story of how God has worked and moved in the lives of infertile couples throughout history. You can look at Biblical precedence and see what you can expect in your own life.


Let’s examine two instances of infertility we find in Scripture to see what we learn from the precedents they set for us today.


Even though Abraham and Sarah were well past childbearing age, God promised them a biological child.

Then behold, the word of the LORD came to him, saying, “This man will not be your heir; but one who will come forth from your own body, he shall be your heir.” (Genesis 15:4) “Is anything too difficult for the LORD? At the appointed time I will return to you, at this time next year, and Sarah will have a son.” (Genesis 18:14) Then the LORD took note of Sarah as He had said, and the LORD did for Sarah as He had promised. So Sarah conceived and bore a son to Abraham in his old age, at the appointed time of which God had spoken to him. (Genesis 21:1-2)


Precedent: If God makes a promise, He fulfills His promise, even if circumstances make the fulfillment of His promises seem unlikely.


God made a promise and God came through. At the age of 90 and 100, Sarah and Abraham became biological parents--without any kind of fertility treatments. If God makes a promise to you, He will fulfill it. Period.


Now let’s look at the life of Hannah and see what we can gain from her experience with infertility:


God closed Hannah’s womb, then remembered Hannah at the proper time, granting her a pregnancy and a healthy child.


Hannah had no children (1 Samuel 1:2) When the day came that Elkanah sacrificed, he would give portions to Peninnah his wife and to all her sons and her daughters; but to Hannah he would give a double portion, for he loved Hannah, but the LORD had closed her womb. (1 Samuel 1:4-5) And Elkanah had relations with Hannah his wife, and the LORD remembered her. It came about in due time, after Hannah had conceived, that she gave birth to a son; (1 Samuel 1:19-20)


Precedent: If God closes a womb on purpose, He does it for a purpose, and that experience with infertility is purpose-filled.


Hannah’s infertility was no accident. God closed her womb on purpose. Although she probably could not understand God’s purpose in causing her infertility, Hannah’s struggle and the way she trusted God through it still encourages infertility women thousands of years after her death. What an amazing legacy she left for every woman who has ever felt the sting of baby hunger. What purpose her infertility held. Who knows what purpose your infertility holds?


You have biblical precedents to stand on in regard to your infertility. If God makes a promise to you, He will come through. He will do what He says He will do. He will work mightily through your infertility and has great purposes for your struggles. He is the same God yesterday, today and forever! The same God who worked wonders through the lives of Sarah and Abraham and Hannah and Elkanah is the same God who holds your hand today.

Bippity Boppity Boo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvcTI3ctK8o


Watch that...

Wouldnt you LOVE to have a magic wand??

Boy, I know I would!!!



But wait a min, what would you do with your magic wand?? Would you wish for money, happiness, peace..... or a family?

Would you wish for a child, children...??


Wouldnt it be amazing if, with life, we received a magic wand??

Yes, that would be amazing, but I am not too sure what we will do with ours. *Sigh*


I long for the day that I become a mother, and he becomes a father.

Sure, Id LOVE to get pregnant.. and to experience the morning sickness, to be able to buy a whole new wardrobe of clothes, to grow, to expand, to feel kicks and then fianlly to deliver and feel the unconditional love for my baby-our baby. I dont know why... but its different now.

I know now that I may never feel all that.

And Im okay...

I know that God has our baby out there. Our baby may be born now, or maybe in a couple of years. We never know. Our baby WILL be brought to us when HIS time is right. That may be right now, or it might be in a couple of years. We dont know. We pray so hard that God will bless us soon-in His time though-but soon. We know that miracles happen.. and man, if we were to conceive w/ out medical interventions, that'd be a true true miracle!

God is good... so we keep praying...

we pray for our baby, ourselves, our families who long and love our child who is yet to grace us :)


So... i guess if we had a magic wand.... we would just wait.

Just wait and use it when the time is right ;-)

Keep praying!!!

never will I...

this is a repost-but a good one.. so I thought Id share w/ ya'll


Never Will I.....

* Spend hundreds of dollars on ovulation and pregnancy tests

* Go to the dr on day 3 of my period for an internal ultrasound (let me tell you-that's embarassing)

* Spend hundreds of dollars, no-make that thousands, on copays, dr bills,and medication.

* Shoot myself daily with hormone shots...

* Take daily pills to make me a horrible, moody person.

* Take a pill vaginally in order to not have a miscarriage IF I get pregnant that cycle..

* Cry thousands, no-make that BILLIONS- of tears over my biological child that may never be.

* Research thousands of websites so I can learn about PCOS, Endo, IUI, IVF, and last but not least-Adoption

* Die a little inside when I see a bfn on a pregnancy test every month

* Cry when I get my period

* And other months rejoice when I get my period (ironic-huh)

* Have surgery to remove somthing that isnt supposed to be in my body (endo)

* Drive thousands of miles, only for a 5 min apointment

* Have a complete stranger know all about my vagina, cervix, sex life and my cycle days.

* have sex w/ my husband bc I HAVE to, bc its the right time...

* lay in bed-w/ out peeing or talking first-just to take my temp so I can see if I ovulated or not

* take apart a pregnancy test to see if i see the FAINTEST of lines... only to see NOTHING!

* Get soooo excited over a bfp-only to realise its from the hcg shot (after it was a negative for 2 days)

* See the look of fear and sadness on my husband's face, on my face, when we realise that it didnt work that month

* have a child past the age of 30 (I always thought Id have all my children, i wanted 4, before I was 30) I know Im still 4 years away from 30, buts its getting close.

* have ever thought about adoption fundraisers and raising $25k to go to another country and get MY baby

* Feel like a failure.

* Be so open and honest with people

* Be an inspiration to someone else, about infertility

* understand why

* Start a blog (that was somthing I never thought id do)

* have so much faith (my faith in God has gotten so strong over the past 3 years)

* fall more and more in love w/ my husband (going through infertility usually tears people apart, but for us-its seemed to have brought us closer, and im greatful for my Godly husband)

* Feel sooo confused. Infertility has got to be the HARDEST thing that I have ever been through. Sooo many emotions.

* Give up. I wont give up, not until God lays it upon my heart. Sure, we may have to take "breaks" and figure out our next step, but God has a great and mighty plan for us.

New plans... new hope.. new future??

Sooo.....many of you are probably wondering what will happen now.

Well... to answer you:


We dont know.


We are taking a break. We are done. Im done w/ the meds, the drs, the ultrasounds, the bloodwork, the shots, the timed bding, the stress, the worry, the heartache. Im just done w/ it.

Who knows how long this break is going to last, but for now. Im done.

Yes, I will still blog-as things come up. But it might not be so much about ttc.

Yes, we are still going to try-but not try. Make sense? Lol.

We will just pray and pray some more.

We have decided we would like to take the foster care classes in the spring and persue adoption as we save up money (possibly start in the spring/summer) God knows the plans for our lives, so my "plan" might not be His plan. We'll see.

So for now.. yes, im done.

Remembering

This angel is in rememberance of our angel that we lost on Oct 9, 2010. Travis bought me this willow tree as a rememberance of our baby-"embie"- who went home to be with Jesus...

Oct 15, 2010

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day (Recognized by the US Government as of 2006). I invite all of you to partake in a moment of rememberence at 7:00 p.m. Be it a moment of silence, the lighting of a candle, whatever.

I never thought that Id "celebrate" this day.

I never thought that Id be one of the ones mourning over the loss of a baby.

Yes, some of you still argue and say-an embryo isnt a baby-but yes, that was. that was OUR baby. God made that baby-and God needed that baby in Heaven more than on earth.

I never knew that baby....

that baby was never in my womb...

but still.... we loved that baby. That was our baby-our little Embie.

Its hard, very hard.

sure.. I didnt suffer the physical stuff of a pregnancy loss, but emotionaly i did. I cried, I screamed, I threw up... I mourned. I am still mourning. I know that God gave us that baby and took that baby for a reason. A reason we dont know why, but He needed that baby with Him rather than on earth.

I will still be mourning and greiving bc Oct 9, 2010 is a date that I will never forget. The day that I had all hope torn from my heart.

I know I have a new start, a fresh start.

And God is with me every step of the way.



So please... on this day... remember all those babies.

Wether, they have been embies, still born, early miscarriage (late miscarriage) or that passed away after birth... they were all babies. Remember those babies. Keep them in your heart today as you mourn the loss of those babies. They may or may not have been your babies, but most likely you know someone who has endured the heartache of a losing a child. So take time at 7pm and remember those babies....

New day.. new hope

Today is a new day... a start of a new hope.

Today is the first day of my period and the last day of my fear. God will bless us in His time. Not mine. I need to keep remembering that. I know that He knows the exact baby that I will either conceive or adopt. We will know in due time :)

For our plan, we decided that we wont be trying right now. We are on a break until spring. I know that each and every one of you are praying for mea nd i really appreciate it all so much!!! Please continue w/ the prayers as God knows we need them.

Heartbroken....

Today,

Im heartbroken. Tomorrow would have been the best day of our lives. Tomorrow would have been the end to all things infertility and we would have finally got our miracle. Tomorrow, we would have seen our precious babies being put into their home for the next 9 months. Tomorrow, is now, just another Tuesday.

Today..

I couldnt go to work. I couldnt face the people I work with, and them know that Im another failure. I couldnt hear them say "its okay" when, really, its not. I couldnt face my babies bc its somthing I may never have-a child of my own.

Today...

All I can do is cry. I cry for the child I lost. I cry for the children I may never have. I cry for my heart that is broken. I cry because I know my husbands heart is breaking too.

Today...

Im mad. Im mad bc people get pregnant soo easy. Im mad bc people always get what they want, so why not get this. Im mad bc there is nothing I can do about this.


Today...

Im just breaking. Im longing for somthing that I cant have. That I long for. No, you cant understand this hurt, this pain, this longing... until you have been here. Until you have been in OUR shoes. You may be "trying" for a month or so, and yes, even then-its hard, but once youve gone a year, or 2 years, or heck-even 3. its hard. its very very hard.

Today...

oddly enough.

Im greatful. Sounds funny doesnt it? Here I am, crying, mad, sad, hurt, heartbroken.. and yet-im greatful.

what the heck you ask?? Yes, Im greatful.

Im greatful for my husband who has held me while I cried so hard I throw up or cant breathe. For the times he just sits there and crys along with me. Im thankful for my family who is by my side and gives me time to greive, bc they know me best. they know I need time. Im greatful for my friends/coworkers who are there to support me through all the hard times. who call/text to check on me, who ask me if i need anything (instead of just pretend that you care). Even if those friends are miles away, they still ask-they still care.

Im greatful for the love of Jesus-knowing that He is there no matter what and I know that He has a plan for our lives. Its hard to see it now, but somehow... someway.. one day.. we will get our baby/babies.

Infertility sucks, but im greatful.

Infertility has brought travis and i closer together as a couple, and closer to God. Its an awful awful road, that I wouldnt wish upon ANYONE, but (and some people might get mad) but I feel that everyone needs to have to work a little at it. It helps to you realise what you have and dont have. When you get that baby-finally-you will feel more accomplished, like you have worked at somthing for once.


Im sorry if ive "stepped on toes" but this is my blog and my emotions.

I appreciate all the prayers and thoughts, and kind words. I know that God has a GOOD and PERFECT plan for us. Im trying.

Happily Ever Afters?

Tell me,
did Cinderella live happily ever after without a struggle?
Did Sleeping Beauty live happily ever after without a trauma?
Did Rapunzel live happily ever after without grief?
Did Hansel and Gretel live happily ever after without deprivation?
Did Jack and the beanstalk live happily ever after risk?
Did Thumbelina live happily ever after without sacrifice?

Are there any fairy tales without any dragons?

Where in the world, then, did we ever get the notion that to live happily ever after meants to live without trouble? For when we look at fairy tales we find its not the absence of dragons-but the taming of dragons-that ushers in happily ever after.
(Brenda Wilbee)


Yes, Life is NOT about Happily Ever After afer-all.

Dear Babies...

Dear Babies,

Today-Oct 9, 2010-is one of the saddest/hardest days of our lives. Today you went home to be with Jesus. We know that there is a reason that God wanted you in Heaven instead of on earth with us. You are so precious to us and will always hold a special place in our hearts. We know that it was nothing that we did, or that you did, but it just wasnt time for you to meet us or us meet you. God has a great plan for you guys. It was to teach us a lesson, that things dont always go as WE have planned. We were looking forward to the day that we would hold you, kiss you and hug all over you. We already had the day that we would love you. Please know that you are greatly missed and that we will see you one day-in Heaven.

Love Always,
your mommy and daddy.

3 babies!!!! :-)

Hello :)

As of right now we have 3 babies (embryos, to me though-they are babies-other people may think diff) YAY!!! No one has called yet to tell us otherwise. The embriologist told dh that she'd call and let us know if anything goes wrong and she'd go by in the morn and check on the babies and call me tomorrow with how they are doing. I am assuming if the eggs didnt thaw then she would have called bc that was at 12:00 and now its 5:15. LOL. Im soooo excited!!!! I just KNOW that this IS it! this is the month!!! I have such a positive attitude (w/ a hint of negativity every once in a while-but then Trav "slaps" me back-haha). I just feel it in my heart that our babies will come home soon!!!!! I can not stop smiling or being giddy. LOL. I feel like a child. I just know that GOd wouldnt get us this far for no reason. Im just beyond thrilled!!!

Here is a pic of our babies home for the next 5 days:


Alot of people dont know what ICSI is. ICSI is when the embryologist directly inserts one sperm into each egg. Here is a pic :) We have to do this bc the outer shell of the eggs are tougher bc of the freezing they went through.



I know im mushy but I wanted to thank you all for praying for me and for being there for me.

I will keep ya'll updated. Tomorrow is my day of cleaning and praying and hoping!!! I hope she calls me early! HAHA.

Coming Soon...

.... BABY BENNETT!!!! or BABIES BENNETT. HAHA.

everything looked GREAT! they will thaw all 3 eggies today/tonight. We go back tomorrow at 12 to drop off dh's sperm (Well, he has to do it there-poor man-lol) and then they will do ICSI to all of them. They will do a 5 days transfer (as part of the study im in) and then they will transfer 2. The 3rd one they will freeze!!! Im soooo super excited and starting to get very nervous!! I know that this is it!! All I need is one :) Im praying very very hard for my embabies-to-be lol.


Babies: get ready... youre coming to mommy and daddy REALLY soon!!!!!

From Your Baby:

(My good friend Michelle found this poem and sent it to me, and yes, I cried) Its soooooo true!!! I can not wait until the day we find out all our dreams are coming true!!



FROM YOUR BABY:

With every tear that falls, there is a lost heart that calls.
it calls to say I'm here, don't dispair, I will come to you
when the time is right, when you least expect me and through
...the quiet night open your heart to me, accept me, I will be there
in the end.
Your wait may be long, you may get frustrated by the whole
ordeal. In the end I will be real. While others around you are
succeeding your heart goes on bleeding.
I would thank you for being patient, I would thank you for
being the kind of person who shows persistance. If it were not
for this, I may never get the chance to have an existence.
In the chaos of your day, the calm of your night, let your heart
soar and take flight.
For so many tears, for so many years. You have been trying,
thinking of giving up but never doing it. In the end you just keep
on going in the hopes that I will come to you, the one who deserves
me, the one who can love me as no other can. You will be that
mother that you always wanted to be. Just you keep waiting for me.

EICK!!!!

EICK!!!

I can hardly contain myself. Im sooo excited!!!

Let me start off by saying, no, Im not pregnant-YET!!!!


I have my appt on Thur and it cant come soon enough!!! They will thaw my eggies on Thur if everything looks good (and it WILL) do ICSI (add trav's sperm to the eggs by injection to be sure fertilizaion occured) and then the babies will grow 3-5 days and be put back home-where they belong!!! I am sooo excited to be doing this. I KNOW in my heart, soul and mind that this IS it. This IS the time! Im soo dang excited for this blessing that will soon be :) YAY!!!!

My babies-you will be coming home to us soon (your mommmy and daddy!!) we can NOT wait!!!

pray pray pray people :)

One more week!!!!

One more week babies !!!!

You precious children will be coming home to your mommy and daddy!!! I can not wait!! Im sooo excited.


Well, technically, they wont be coming home next week... they will no longer be frozen next week :) YAY!!! I cant wait for my babies to not be frozen anymore :)

God, we just know that this is your time... help us Lord with the patience we need and the strength we need (us and our babies) to get through the next coming weeks. We know that this is the time we will be blessed and we're so excited!!! In your time, things will come together. We are so greatful that you are the God of life and that you will bless us very soon :) Thank you God for all your blessings and love that you have poured out into our lives. We love and praise you for all that you do Lord. In your name, Amen.


Please continue your prayers during this time, I know that this is it.. I know that God would not get us this far.....

I can not wait... we can not wait. These babies have been very much wanted for 3 years and odd months, and we just cant wait any longer! we are so excited to be having this blessing upon our lives.. thank you so much for your prayers and love.

Goodbye Estraderm... Hello Vivelle...

Okay, So for the longest time Ive been having an awful awful time w/ these estraderm patches. So finally I got my nurse to call me in some Vivelle. YAY! Its the same as an estrogen patch, but ALOT smaller and sooo much better-so far. Its my last option, so I was told, so I will stick it out. I also had a coupon for a free month-so that will save me $35 this month :) YAY! Although the women at CVS pharm were pretty rude to me. Lol. We'll see what happens from now. So for now... my meds are Estradiol twice a day (idk if I spelled that right), Vitamin E, baby asprin, Trental (twice a day), Metformin (3 times a day), prental and dha. Hmm.. I think thats all. LOL. I change my patch every Tue and Friday... so that adds another med. Yes, that's alot of meds-but sooo worth it in the end! Im very excited to see how things are going to work out this month!!

On another note, Travis and I have been doing some projects around the house. We got a new floor for the "Titans room" but it doenst come in until Oct 11. We are really excited to get it though!! Its a rubberish floor (I will post pics of it when we get it together), we got a new screen door (pic will be in next post), and we got a laminte/wood floor for the now orange office (again, pic will be posted later-lol)

Other than that.. we are just waiting for NEXT THUR!!! I am very excited for this to be "on the roll!" Im very very very excited and not scared at all! (not yet ;-) lol) I know that God is in control for this month and in control for the future of our babies! I cant wait!!! This is going to work and we are going to be blessed, maybe even by 3 ;-)

Ready?? Set??? Lets go!!!

Today marks Day 1 of my cycle!! Wahooo!!

You will NEVER EVER hear me say these words again!!!Thank God for my period!! LOL.


Im sooo excited to be moving on. I hate being stuck waiting-just hate it! I know that God is working this time around. He will bless us this month! July babies here we come!!! Im looking forward to starting my meds tomorrow, to getting my scan (which is Oct 7) and then having my babies grow and finally having them come home:)

We just can NOT wait!!! We are soo excited and so overjoyed. God is doing wonderful and awesome things! YAY

Please pray for us during this time. Pray for God to give us the peace in our hearts and minds and to bless us as He sees fit :)

I absolutly can not wait! YAY :)

PLEASE VOTE!!!

Chrysler is giving away a vacation do-over. $5000 to a lucky winner. I submitted our story to this contest. It is a doozy. This is just what happend in a short version-it was a very intense couple of months. God really worked wonders!! If you would-please click on this link http://apps.facebook.com...essays/viewItem/78/899/ and vote!! You can vote once a day, every day, until Sept 30. I would really appreciate it if you read my story and voted!! (let me know if that link doesnt work!) also, if you could-or wanted to-please post to your facebook wall :) thanks a bunch!!!

Dear Babies...

To my darling babies...

Mommy and daddy prayed so hard for you 3 to come home to us this month, but nope-God had much better plans in place. We dont want you to know what happend, bc it doesnt matter now. What matters is that you are all still safe and sound, waiting patiently to come home :) You are wanted soo much by soo many people. That day will come our dear babies. The day will come when you will be thawed and you will come to your home for 9 months-your mommy's womb. You will snuggle in safe and sound and then in 9 months come out and meet all the WONDERFUL people who have prayed, cried and worried about you for 3 years.

We are soo excited to be able to be on this journey bc we know that it is one more step closer to our dream. Yes, we had a hard day today knowing that today was supposed to be "our" planned day for you to come home. It was not-it was not God's day.

We pray for you guys daily that you will ALL make it and will ALL come home soon :) We love you already... and youre not even conceived yet!!! How amazing this love is :)

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

I am..

I saw this on another blog and thought it would be a good way to express my thoughts for the day.. and to MAYBE not talk so much about infertility?? Maybe?? LOL.

I am thinking.... about how good my dinner is going to taste ;) I am also thinking of how much I can get done before getting pregnant in Oct. Im too excited to NOT think about it! LOL (After-all, this is an infertility blog-lol)

I am thankful for... everything that God has blessed me with. I have an AMAZING husband who is sooo wonderful and has been here through everything with me! He didnt ask for this in his life, but he's stuck around :) I am thankful for my wonderful friends, and co workers, who have been soo supportive through my infertility journey. Im thankful for my amazing family-who w/ out them.. i wouldnt be who I am today. For my salvation-that Jesus died upon the cross for our sins. and oddly enough, Im thankful for my infertility-it has made me who I am. it has gotten me closer to Jesus and to Travis... for that I am sooo thankful.

From the Kitchen... I hear water starting to boil w/ my noodles in it for the tuna casserole that Im about to make-LOL. And I just statched a yummy mini reeses cup ;)

Im wearing... a black shirt w/ my fav Bible verse on it. For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 And of course.. capris.

Im reading... Safe Haven by Nicholas Sparks.. I just got into it though

Im praying... for God to bless us with a great and wonderful miracle! I know that Oct will be THE month!!!! I cant wait!!

Im creating... ummm nothing.Lol. I might decide to start painting the small bathroom before we get into the IVF stages again..

Im looking forward to.... October!!! I can not wait to get my period and to get started on this journey again! I just know that this is going to be it :)

Sept 22, 2010

At 11:30am..

That was supposed to be my transfer date *sigh* THAT was supposed to be the best day of my life. I was supposed to be getting pregnant that day. But nope, things happen... and guess what.


It just was not in Gods plan.


God has a new plan for our lives. God knows that this wasnt meant to be this month. Next month will be THE month and God will FINALLY bless us with the miracle we have been waiting for. I am sooo excited and happy for the blessings that are you going to occur. Now I just wait. I wait some more. Wait for my period, wait for the dr appt, wait for my babies to be thawed, wait for them to grow, and then FINALLY wait for the positive news. God IS going to bless us. We are going to have our babies and we will get the miracle(s) that was meant to be-our babies.

Im so excited and so looking forward to this journey that we are about to embark on. :) Thanks for the prayers and continue to do so.

Thats what faith can do.....

As I was taking my bath this evening.. this song came on the tv (well, radio that was playing through the tv) and it was just what I needed to hear. It is amazing how things like that happen.


Here is the song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WnCEyfRdvDY&ob=av2e


and here are the lyrics:

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you're stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Overcome the odds
http://www.elyricsworld.com/what_faith_can_do_lyrics_kutless.html
You don't have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise



It was just what I needed to hear. Faith can do amazing things--God knows what He is doing and that is just wonderful and makes me want to cry!!! I am sooo blessed to have God in my life and I hope that those who are reading this-know God for yourself :)

Update to my craziness...

OMG... have I had a morning!!!!

Lets start off by saying my nurse was out of the office until 2pm today-so I called the lady she had said would be on call for her-her name is Lori (my nurse is Christine-well, my old nurse, i will get to that later-lol) Okay... so I had left Lori a message-that was at 8am.

I got a phone call at 10am, when I was going on lunch, and she said that they made a mistake!!!! She explained to me how Christine was new to the egg freezing protocol and to the IVF stuff, which is fine. Well, Lori was telling me that Christine should have got dh's sperm on Friday when we were there. She told me that I had been taking my progesterone injections for too long for them to do a transfer. She also said that I was getting late into my cycle and that if they did do a transfer, there were high chances my embryos wouldnt stick. She said that embryos needed to grow for a couple of day-3-5 days. I knew all this-from you guys and from my reading. I told Lori somthing didnt seem right on Friday-Haha. Well... So NO my eggies are defrosted which is great!! I was so afraid that they would be.

Anyways... Lori said to stop all my medications, everything. and I should start a period soon. I am to call HER when I get a period and they will go from there. I will start back up all my meds (except progesterone) on day 2. She said if I get ANY bills to give them to her and they will take care of them-bc it is thier fault-not mine. She was so apologetic. I appreciate that. and Im glad that they caught it in time. I am happy that my eggies are still safe. Sort of bummed I have to go another month and this one was just wasted, but its okay-God knows what is going on :)

I know there is nothing else that I can do about this situation. God knows what is best and I just need to take it one day at a time. :)

T minus 3 days :-D

EICK!!!

Im sooo excited!!! I know that this is going to work-this is going to be IT. Our turn, our time. Im soo happy and just can not wait!!

I have not officially said what will be happening in 3 days-and no, I wont say-HAHA. I will keep ya'll in suspense for a while, but if you guess then MAYBE I will tell ya ;-) I dont want people "hounding me" so for now... ya'll are in suspense mode. LOL.

Like Ive said, Im sooo excited to have a blessing coming. God is sooo wonderful and deserves ALL the credit for this!!

thanks for the prayers-keep em coming ;-)

Body-meet progesterone.... SHOTS!

Eick!!

When you see these needles, that is what will come to mind.... EICK!
Travis has to give me these shots-in my bottom... every morn. He was sooo good at it!! LOL. I didnt feel it at all. It started hurting about 5 min afterwards-I guess bc the med was going through my body.. .but I will live.

PLease keep praying bc God is doing amazing things in our lives and we are sooo excited to be on this journey. hmmm.. in 3 years, idk if Ive ever said I was excited to be on the INFERTILITY journey-but right now, I am ;)

blood is thicker than water.....

Well, My lining was thick-but they checked the blood flow(which Ive never had done before) and it was sort of neat. Anyways, it was slower than they liked. They put me on a baby asprin, vitamin E and Trental. I take those daily and keep up w/ my estrogen. I go back on Friday for another scan. The dr really freaked me out bc he said "assuming we have embryos to transfer" and that just freaked me out bc Im scared we wont have any!! I know that we will bc I know that God is going to bring us through this-He brought us to it :) Im so excited still.. a little nervous now, but more so excited! Some great news is that my ovaries are quiet-so that's good. Now I just take drugs and wait :) and PRAY!!!!

PRAY PRAY PRAY-HARD!!!!

Im trying to keep my positive attitude and im trying to keep my faith-Im still sooo positive and at such peace w/ this. Everytime that the devil tries to "smash" the way Im feeling-God keeps puting the peace stronger and stronger in my heart.

Update...

Update on me..

Nothing really-lol.

I am just trusting in God's time for this all to get together. I am praying so hard that He works His miracles this time around. We are very excited to be moving onward and very excited to know that we WILL get our babies!!! I will update as I know more, but right now-I dont know much.

I start progetserone injections on Tue. This is a much larger needle than what Im used to-EICK!!!! Im not excited about it. but I know that this has to be done and this is for my babies. Travis will have to do this shot, in my rear. Its a big needle and its a thick med. eick!! I am praying that God gives me the strength to suffer through it and the whole time I do, that I am thinking of the end results :)

Thanks for the prayers.

Mommy??

"Mommy, how are babies made?"

"My sweet child, you are a beautiful work of A.R.T."





I saw that on someones blog and thought it was soo sweet :)

Overwhelming Peace...

Lately I have been overcome w/ overwhelming peace....


That this IS going to work...

That this IS in God's plan...

That one day SOON -I will bring all 3 of my babies home to me...

That this IS going to be a miracle...


I have overwhelming peace over my heart and I love it!!! I was struggling w/ all of this. Yes, Im scared-Im scared to death. But the peace in my heart that I feel trumps the fear and Im sooo excited in return. I know that this is it! Its a great sensation to experience and there is no other way to describe it but to say that its God.

God is the one who pours peace onto someones heart and allow them to not be afraid...

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

So do not fear, for I am with you;do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10


Those Bible verses are sooo important. They teach us that God is there with us-ALWAYS. We are to not fear for the Lord takes away fear and gives us a peace that surpases all understanding.


I am sooo excited to begin this journey and to allow God to work in my life, in our lives. I know, in my heart, that my babies WILL be home with me one day soon! God would not have got us this far, only to "leave us".

And yes, many of you think-well, what if youre wrong??

Well... IF Im wrong.. God has other great and wonderful plans for our lives... and i cant wait :)

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11


God knows the plans for our lives and I put my heart, my trust, and my faith in Him and Him alone...

"I know how you feel...."

Yes, but do you REALLY??

How many times have you heard this?? (Not just with infertility but w/ life in general)

Yes, you may know how hard it is to see a neg test every month, or how bad you yearn for a baby....


but do you really feel the pain??

When I give myself a shot daily-do you feel it going into your skin as well? Do you flinch just a little bit bc it burns?

When I see a spot of blood, does your heart sink? Because mine sure does.

When I have to talk to complete strangers (drs and nurses) about how many times my husband and I have intercourse, do you feel the embarassement flush across your face as well??

When I felt like I was dying when my eggs were retreaved, did you feel that too?? bc it sure hurt.

When my heart feels like its in a million peices from it not working that month, does your heart ache too?? It may ache for me, but not in the same sense as mine (and Trav's)

When I have the tiniest bit of hope, and it gets shattered, do you feel that frustration and failure as well??


Yes, i know you might seem good by saying " I know how YOU feel" but sometimes... think about. Do you really know how I feel?? I mean, yes, you know how you felt-and yes, the pain is real and its the same, Im not saying its not. But when I experience failure, or hurt, do YOU feel it too??

No, Im NOT trying to be mean or sound hateful... this is my blog and I write my thoughts on here-and this is my thought.

Yes, I know that every single one of you will rejoice with me when I finally do fall pregnant and that's awesome to have that love and support. but if you really dont know how i feel-please dont tell me :) Its hard, its really hard, to explain how I feel. Its humiliating and embarassing to me-and I HATE that I have to go through this (as well as hating it for my friends and loved ones and those who are suffering through it as well)

Please know I love each one of you and that I know you are there for me for support, and like I said, I was NOT saying this make people upset or feel bad... its just my thoughts...


My next post will be more upbeat :)

Total Cost over 3 yrs....

Okay, so someone asked me the other day how much all of this has costed us over 3 yrs... lets see..


Medications Copays (ONLY for the past 18 mths): $718.14

9 HCG Triggers: $450

Injections (bravelle, Ganirelix) The other that I used, I have gotten for free.: $1,000

Copays: $1285

HSG Copay: $200

Lap Surgery Copay: $2100

7 IUI's: (About $300 each) $2100

Egg retreaval: $400

Egg thawing, ICSI (free) Egg transfer: $2000

so the grand total that after this egg thawing/transfer, will be...........




$10,253.14


and yes, some of you are probably thinking-why didnt she just start off w/ IVF? The answer....

bc I didnt know I needed it *sigh*

EVERYTHING that I have been through has led me to today-EVERYTHING. and some days it frustrates me and makes me angry, but I know that THIS is ALL in God's plan.. not mine. I pray so hard that He will work out HIS plan this month.. and we will finally get what we've been hoping and praying for for 3 years, 3 months, and 4 days.


** I also want to say, we have been very very blessed to have such wonderful family to help w/ some of these costs.. not all of it, but some of it-thanks :) **

New Plan

Soooo ....

for our new plan is this. We are going to thaw out the eggies that we have frozen. We will be keeping positive thoughts and keep praying our little hearts out that God will bless us in His time!!! This process will cost us $1,915 and that scares me half to death!! I know that God will provide and I know that I need to lean on Him during this time. This IS going to work and ALL 3 of our babies WILL be coming home to us... soon!!!!

I dont know dates yet, but as the process gets further and further I will keep you posted. Im thinking late Sept/early Oct. We'll see :)

Dear Eggies,

(no, that is NOT a pic of my frozen eggs-but that is a pic of what they are kept in)

Dear Eggies....

Even though you arent technically "babies" yet, you are OUR babies. We pray to God that you three make it out of the thaw of the frozen container that you have been in for the past month. That God will get you to the stage that you need to be and for you to be healthy. We need this, We want this and we feel that this IS it. We trust that God has a great and wonderful plan for all 3 of you and who knows, you 3 might be the miracles we've been waiting for. We pray that God keeps you safe and helps you along into embryos and one day... into our arms. We will love and protect you no matter what. We know that we might sound crazy, but this is where we feel that you begin. From here on out-you are our babies.

We cant wait to meet you-all 3 of you-one day. and we pray daily for God to bless us in HIS time....

With much love,

Your mommy and daddy

Today...

.... my heart is breaking.

Yesterday evening I went to the restroom and there it was-spotting. Yup, Monday will be day 1 of my cycle (I dont even know what number anymore-I have lost count)

I will call Dr Y on Monday and I assume I will go in for a day 3 scan and start on the required meds for this cycle. Good news is that I dont have to take injections this time around, just somthing to thicken my lining. I might have to take Ganirelex again-but I dont know yet.

So our plan for this time is to thaw out 3 eggies, and do ICSI (that is where they place 1 sperm into each egg and its instant fertilization, correct me if Im wrong on that) and then they grow them in the lab for 3-5 days and then transfer them into my uterus. I am pretty sure they are transfering all 3, but Im not sure yet. I told Trav the reason that we havent gotten preg yet is bc its God's plan for me to get preg w/ triplets-2 boys and 1 girl. My friend Michelle said we'll have 3 girls. ;)

So the prayer for this month is to please pray that my 3 eggies make it past thawing, once they are past that stage-that they make it to either 3 or 5 days and have the correct amount of cells for implantation. After that, that they make it and implant and we have our miracle(s). I just want one. One is all I ask for. IF I get more than one, then its all in God's plan and I will be excited.

Thank you so much for praying. Im hurting, my heart is breaking, but I know that this is in God's plan. I feel it in my heart and I just know this is going to work.

thanks :)

Been A While....

Hello people, been a while-LOL.

Nothing new with me. I have just been waiting patiently... trying to at least.

I did get a phone call the other day saying that I did indeed have 3 frozen eggies :) Of great quality too :) So IF we need to, we have 3 eggies ready to thaw out for next month. The good thing about it if we have to use the frozen eggies, is that I dont need to take shots over and over again. I will just have to wear an estrogen patch to thicken my lining and get it ready for transfer. I am excited about it-hoping that this cycle works though. The survival rate of thawed eggies is 75%, so that means that 2 out of 3 should survive. So we will be praying and praying for this month to work :)

Other than that-nothing else is going on.

egg retreval and IUI

Good afternoon, this will be really quick bc Im still groggy. Lets see.

I took my Valium, 2 Tylenol 3's and antibiotic at 6:45 this morn. I got the dr at 7:45 and Trav was taken back to his room where he did his business. I got back into the room and they washed and washed my cervix, he numbed the area w/ a local so I wouldnt feel anything-HA! Then they inserted a vaginal ultrasound probe w/ a needle thing on the end of it. He punctured all the follicles and aspirated them. He only got 3 eggs to be frozen. We had 6 total and he left the other 3 for the iui. I had seen more on there that looked fairly good size that he didnt aspirate. the needle he used wasnt the same needle that is used in IVF retreval so this was a smaller needle and it was harder to puncture the follicle. he said that there may be about 4-5 follies that were left, instead of 3. I asked him about only getting 3 eggs to freeze and he said that was still good. he said that sometimes that indicates that they did the aspiration too early (after the hcg). But he said that having 3 to freeze is good. So i will take is word on it. what keeps me sane is the fact that 3 women who have done this same procedure have gotten preg w/ the iui portion bc taking the extra follies away has helped. so that's a good thing and keeps me sane :) That's about all. I am to start the progesterone supplements twice a day starting tomorrow. Im resting and drinking as much fluids as i can. i had a cath so it hurts really bad to urinate. :(

that's about all. I will catch up later.

give me strength

‎'God loves me enough to not always "come to my rescue" in my trials, but to walk me through them, so that He can build in me the strength that I need to fulfill the plan He has for me.' - Christi Armstrong

Okay, Im home but I wont be on here long. Im exhausted.

So my apointment was at 10:30 so we got there at 10:15 bc I thought that Id have to fill out alot of papers bc I havent been to this office. We waited for about an hour. Anyways, so I went back and had my ultrasound. My lining was good, I dont remember what the mm was though-lol. I had 18 follies total over 10mm. On the left I had 14mm, 20.6mm, 22mm, 3-15mm, 2-11mm and a 16mm. on the right i had 2-12mm, 4-14mm, 15mm, 11mm, and 18mm. Im really bloated and sore though. The dr will aspirate all but the 3 largest and I will have an iui w/ those. They will freeze the ones they aspirate. This is a clinical trial type thing on the new freezing machine. They have had 6 pregnancies with doing this so far (there is only 36 people in the study) and the rest of us are still in this stage. I have to be there again on Monday at 7:45 am. I am to take my trigger tonight at 10:30. On Monday I have to take a antibiotic, a 10mg of Valium and 2 Tylenol 3's. EICK! Im very medicine sensitive. lets see.. that's about all that I can think of. I will update when things progres..


Im VERY excited and VERY nervous. and I actually feel pretty miserable. I dont want to complain but I feel like junk. LOL. Please pray that this works :)

Overwhelming to me...

I got my scan. My lining was 11mm. I dont remember how many I had on my right and how many on my left, but I do remember i had 8 on one side, or was it 5??, and 7 on the other. Those 15 measured above 11mm!!!! I had about 20 total that measured over 8mm (including the ones that are 11mm) I had 2 big ones at 18mm. I took Follistim 150iu tonight and Ganrilex (however you spell that). I go to the "new" dr (its at the hospital and not at my drs that i go to now) tomorrow at 10:30. They are going to do a scan and discuss w/ me what will be done. I will have all but 3 follies extracted and those that are extracted will be frozen, just the eggs, not made into embryos. Then w/ the 3 left they will do IUI. I will be sedated, but not knocked out. they will give me vicodin and valium. Which ive never taken either. Lol. So I will really know more tomorrow after my apointment.

Well, that's me in a nutshell :)

Say "Hello" to my new little friend...

Ganirelix.


I take this prefilled med tonight, tomorrow night and go back to the dr fri. Im scared. this med is supposed to slow down the growth of the bigger follicles and give the smaller ones time to catch up! EICK!!!!!

1...2...3....4....5....6...7...8...9...10....

And I lost count after 12! LOL

Im home from my dr apointment. Man, am I overwhelmed now! HAHA. I got there and she asked how I felt. I told her "bloated and full" and she said "oooo I hate to see what's in here-lol" She scanned my lining-looked good. 9.4mm. My right ovary had 5-6 follies that were all over 8mm. Then she got to my left and BAM!!!! There were sooo many! I lost count-Lol. I had about 10 on just my left and they were all over 8mm!!!! Total I had 7, possibly 8, that were over 11mm and the rest were over 8mm. So that's a good visit. Im to continue w/ Follistim-150iu tonight and tomorrow night and Im also supposed to start on Ganrilex tonight and tomorrow. I go back on Friday at 8:30 for another scan. Eick!!! Im scared, nervous, excited-just all into one. lol. I will know more on Friday bc I will need to go talk to the other physician who is actually doing all this. Its at another hospital.

That's all in a nutshell. Off to rest a min.

Follistim... 150iu ... and bruises :(

Here are a couple of pics I thought Id share w/ ya.

This is the TINY needle that has been causing so much bruising :(



150 iu per night


This is what my med vial looks like


This is the whole pen


and last, but not least... my bruises. with injections you should switch sides of the body which you inject-so that's why ive got bruises on both sides. eick! please excuse my fat belly, hairy belly (Darn pcos) and my big thighs-HAHAHA.

Follicle Scan-CHECK!

Dr apointment went good. I had about 8-9 follies that were from 7-9.6mm big. Lining was 8mm. Im excited now. I go back Wed, but idk what time yet though. She has to call me back. They did bump my meds up to 150iu. Im scared. lol. Here is the deal for this month. IF I get more than 5 follies they will aspirate all but 3 and freeze those and still do the iui (I think-lol) and then IF I dont get pregnant in Aug, we will use the frozen ones in Sept. They freeze the eggs when they become blastocysts. I mean, I want to do that, but then I dont. Its a couple thousand for both so we'll see. We have about $1,000 saved up, but that's not the same as a COUPLE thousand-haha. We'll see. Im really trying not to worry-just going day by day. We will know more on Wed I suppose.

Day 7

Day 7 - Least favorite episode of your favorite show


*** Didnt do this one-LOL***

Day 6

Day 6 - Favorite episode of your favorite show.


1) House and Cutty have a kiss at the season finale (I cant remember which season last one was-haha)


2) My fav cake that they made on Cake Boss-the Aquarium one


3) I just cant pick one episode for Glee-man, I just like to watch him sing :) mmm mmm.



4) I love ALL the episodes of ER-and the old ones mostly. Man, I wish it was still on



5) I love this episode of Deliver Me when Dr Yvonne Bohn finally gives birth to a baby girl

1 year ago

One year ago today I had my very first surgery. I had a laparoscopy done to remove mild endo. So little that it wasnt even stage 1. They also checked my tubes and they were open. So, here are a few pics to remember that day by- lol.

Day 5

Day 5 - A show you hate


1) I watch this show every week, but man-i just hate it-HAHA.

Secret Life of the American Teenager


2) Supernatural (the previews creep me out so I dont watch it-haha)


3)CSI-I just dont like crime shows



4)Family Guy-Blach, i just dont like the way they sound-haha



5)Nanny 911-I just dont like it :-/

Follistim

Today is my 3rd day of Follistim. 110 iu per day. Its going pretty good and I love follistim-lol. I have ZERO side effects from it (well, maybe a little moddy and a slight headache) I have a scan on Sunday and i cant wait!!! Hopefully things will go great :)

I will keep ya posted!

Day 4

Day 4 - Your favorite show ever.


1) Greys Anatomy


2) Private Practice



3) Cake Boss



4) Glee



5) House

Day 3

Day 3 - Your favorite new show

1) Lie to me


2) Drop Dead Diva



3) Royal Pains



4) Pretty Little Liars



5) Wipe Out

Day 2 TV

Day 2 - A show that you wish more people were watching

1) 19 Kids and Counting-even though it disturbes me that she has 19 kids, its still a good show-lol



2) The Little Couple



3) Smallville



4) Wipeout




5) Degrassi

Day 3 scan...

Went good! I had about 20 antral follicles on both ovaries-which have a potential of maturing. my nurse didnt want that to happen, neither do i-haha. I started on 110 iu per night of Follistim. I took my first shot for the month tonight, its like nothing now. lol. Im so used to it. I go back on Sun-day 8 for a follie scan, hoping we have good things growing :)

for the plan this month, if i get more than 3 follies that will be mature, they will aspirate all but 3. do the iui w/ the 3 and then freeze the ones the aspirate and then if i dont get pregnant in aug, in sept they will thaw those out and add sperm and transfer those into my uterus like an ivf cycle. (im assuming) we didnt go into much detail but will when the time comes.

if you are reading this, and youre a praying person, please please pray. I know that God will bless us when His time is right-not ours, but still... pray please :)

Never will I.....

I cant sleep, I need to sleep bc I have to be up at 5am for my 730 apointment. But this was on my mind... so I thought Id delight ya'll in a post :) These are just thoughts, that I look back and think... i would have never done that, or would i. Most of these I have done or will do....

Just never say never...



Never Will I.....

* Spend hundreds of dollars on ovulation and pregnancy tests

* Go to the dr on day 3 of my period for an internal ultrasound (let me tell you-that's embarassing)

* Spend hundreds of dollars, no-make that thousands, on copays, dr bills,and medication.

* Shoot myself daily with hormone shots...

* Take daily pills to make me a horrible, moody person.

* Take a pill vaginally in order to not have a miscarriage IF I get pregnant that cycle..

* Cry thousands, no-make that BILLIONS- of tears over my biological child that may never be.

* Research thousands of websites so I can learn about PCOS, Endo, IUI, IVF, and last but not least-Adoption

* Die a little inside when I see a bfn on a pregnancy test every month

* Cry when I get my period

* And other months rejoice when I get my period (ironic-huh)

* Have surgery to remove somthing that isnt supposed to be in my body (endo)

* Drive thousands of miles, only for a 5 min apointment

* Have a complete stranger know all about my vagina, cervix, sex life and my cycle days.

* have sex w/ my husband bc I HAVE to, bc its the right time...

* lay in bed-w/ out peeing or talking first-just to take my temp so I can see if I ovulated or not

* take apart a pregnancy test to see if i see the FAINTEST of lines... only to see NOTHING!

* Get soooo excited over a bfp-only to realise its from the hcg shot (after it was a negative for 2 days)

* See the look of fear and sadness on my husband's face, on my face, when we realise that it didnt work that month

* have a child past the age of 30 (I always thought Id have all my children, i wanted 4, before I was 30) I know Im still 4 years away from 30, buts its getting close.

* have ever thought about adoption fundraisers and raising $25k to go to another country and get MY baby

* Feel like a failure.

* Be so open and honest with people

* Be an inspiration to someone else, about infertility

* understand why

* Start a blog (that was somthing I never thought id do)

* have so much faith (my faith in God has gotten so strong over the past 3 years)

* fall more and more in love w/ my husband (going through infertility usually tears people apart, but for us-its seemed to have brought us closer, and im greatful for my Godly husband)

* Feel sooo confused. Infertility has got to be the HARDEST thing that I have ever been through. Sooo many emotions.

* Give up. I wont give up, not until God lays it upon my heart. Sure, we may have to take "breaks" and figure out our next step, but God has a great and mighty plan for us.

Day 1-TV Meme

Day 1 - A show that should never have been cancelled.

I cant come up w/ just more than one... lets see...



1) ER




2) Everwood



3) Gilmore Girls:



4) 7th heaven



5) Party of Five